At tempting to altering my thoughts and changing my viewpoints is what this post is about.
Life. Life is difficult and life is a every-day and life-long challenge. But just because it is difficult does not mean I cannot make it through. I heard this country song today on the radio on my way home, saying things like if life is hell you gotta run as fast as you can to get out before the devil even noticed you were there. I really liked it. It’s true. Just because some times are harder or at least seem to be does not mean that the devil will get you and burn you in his fire. I might lose some hair on the way through, but if I face it I can make it on my own.
Love. Is so so important in life. I don’t understand how people could possibly think, that just by loving themselves, life could be complete. I mean, I understand that if I love myself, things might be easier, but everyone needs that feeling to be loved and cared for. At the same time the need to love someone and to care for someone else the same way one cares for their own is just such a fulfilling idea to me. I want to grow on my own and through my own love, but at the same time I want to share it with someone I trust and someone who trusts me. There is nothing else that could make life even more complete and wonderful. Yes, the big dream of true love still exists for me, and I am glad, I have not become all too indifferent about it.
Sex. Is so so important in life and with love. It is in fact something that helps one another to establish the trust I was talking about and it is rare to find someone you really feel bonded with sexually. Sex has become such a “devalued good” that it is really sad to think about why most people actually do it. Satisfaction is a good thing, but put in touch with love and reattach the value to it, it is even more than just having some fun. Most people forget that it seems, some get carried away easily and some just use it in order to cope with their stress. I am not saying this is necessarily bad, but do it with someone you love, and be conscious of what you are actually sharing. It’s fulfilling.
Happiness. Is the most important in life and a result of love. Seriously, love yourself and care for others and you can be truly happy. Be compassionate. About yourself and others. See the beauty in life, in yourself and in others.
Becoming aware of my abilities, my strengths and also my weaknesses is my task for this week.
I will try to trace them down in order to work on them.
Just this weekend I have again seen some of my behaviors and did not really know where they came from.
I am seeing this guy and he is just so interesting to me. He reminds me a lot of D. and I am scared that this will be the reason why it eventually won’t work out. I am scared because of these similarities in physical appearance and even certain character traits. I might trust him too much because of how he reminds me of D.. There is not a day on which I don’t think about D. Not one minute passes and it still hurts so much to remember him. So, I don’t really know why I am seeing this other guy when he brings back memories. But it feels good to be held. I think I simply miss all these physical connections to someone. Having sex just felt amazing. I still have these control issues, but it feels good to be appreciated. And it is sad at the same time because it is not really me who is being appreciated but my body and the satisfaction it can create. I mean that is a wonderful thing, but I guess it will end in this cycle again. I trust someone. I get hurt. Left alone. Feeling worthless. I don’t know why I always bring myself in those situations. And it is strange, I have these pictures popping up in my head. I cannot identify the person. All I know it is a guy, and i am very little, and something is going on. I don’t know where these images come from, but they scare me. I am afraid they might keep the key for a lot of my suffering.
Yet, I just want to be happy. I really want to let go of all what has been, and want to have my life back under control. I am close to running away. Very close. And I am just so lost in this mess my life is like right now. Even this post displays all the clutter that I cannot get under control. When in doubt, throw it out. I wished it was that easy.
Ha, day 3 of feeling good. Day 3 of not worryinh too much. day 3 of being hopeful.
I had a good breakfast and a decent lunch today. feel a little hungry just now, but will first get my work done and then before working out I might go get a small protein-filled snack somewhere.
Tonight my roommate and I will be making Margaritas and Nachos with salsa and other dips. We will watch movies, and maybe ask our upstairs neighbor to join 🙂
It will be a fun evening without any worries or miserable feelings. We’ll enjoy and indulge.
And there will be no room at all for Bulimia and her evil friends. Take this again, swallow it up and leave me alone. Yes, alone. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody to feel good. Others might thrill me, might be helpful, and it might be even wonderful to help others, and thrill someone else, but in the end I don’t need anybody, but me to be happy. It’s not about being selfish. If I was selfish I would not care or worry about others, but I do. I have compassion. Self compassion and compassion for others. The big difference though is, that only if I am content with my life, happy and love myself unconditionally, only then can I utilize this in interaction and relationships with others.
I’m happy and fulfilled to be on the right track right now.
I love to sit here in the library, browsing through books. I may dislike the exercise I have to do, just because it is nothing that breathes spirit or passion inside of me, but it is part of life to do things. To complete things, sometimes even to leave things undone. The same counts for motivation. Sometimes we just can’t stop doing one thing because we blossom in it, but sometimes we have to do something that we feel will make us fade. But we won’t we can only grow back stronger.
Defeat nourishes us.
Bulimia, take this positive attitude. can you see how conscious I am?
I know you are only harmful and I will try to take all liquid from you, so that you die and are unable to ever grow back in the same place, nor in another. I will defeat you and will not be defeated by you. There is no chance for you.
Adieu!
Ok, so I had a good day and a bad day. But I am fine with that situation.
It started badly because my cat woke me up at 2 and 3 and 4… Then I finally decided to get up and go to school. I think I was like the first customer at Starbucks in the morning… Anyway, I finished up my school work, had a decent breakfast and went to work. I got really tired at about 12pm but still had more hours to go at work and at the social after work… and a bday party. Such a crazy day. However, I felt good today. I ate way too much, but didn’t really binge, I mean, it was too much, but not binge-like too much, so I am sort of proud. Nevertheless, the fact that i don’t know my weight bothers me A LOT. I wished I knew, and just knowing I gained some weight in a week freaks me out. And then this range she gave me of 4 pounds… Ouch.
BUT, I will be strong. I will not purge again like I have last night and I will not check my weight at the Gym (which is really hard just because I have to pass the scale twice). I can do it, even if I get fatter… I have to let go. I don’t want to live in addiction and self-pity, self-hatred and anxiety anymore. I tasted life again these days and I need to feed this feeling. I need to remind myself of being conscious and compassionate.
I read some more on and by Isha Judd and Kristin Neff today. I think I need to find out more also about Buddhism – it seems to be so enlightening. I guess, I need to hod on to whatever I believe can help me right now. It might just be temporary but it may also turn into something I expected least.
I’m waiting for nothing but await the positive.
I was thinking about doing Yoga again, maybe Bykram Yoga again (if it just wasn’t so expensive…) or at least meditate. I can drive up to Mt. Bonnell each night and meditate there. The perfect place around here actually to find harmony for and within myself.
For now, however, I will sleep. I will not get up to go running tomorrow morning, I will sleep as long as I will be allowed to 😉
Why worry about the future? Why worry about something that does not exist? Why worry about something I cannot change? I live now. I chatted with this random Spanish guy last night and he gave me such great input, it is fascinating, what talking to a stranger can actually turn into. He reassured me, that just by knowing that I want to change things, that I am aware of the need of finding myself and the peace within myself was already the goal. That is, I don’t need to worry about not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am on my way already, and I can only grow from this. And yet I know that. I start forgetting about my doubts I have about being able to do, because I am able to. I think, I am a strong person, I think I am a good person, and everyone is. I am responsible for myself and my well-being and I need to focus on myself. In fact, all I need is myself.
However, my eating disorder is closely intertwined with my depression. They feed each other and maybe trying out medication is not that bad of an idea. It is nothing I need to do long-term, but it has shown to be helpful. Especially in the difficult and exhausting process of recovery. And I don’t want my depression which is probably caused by chemical imbalance, to interfere with my abilties to live and think positively and in harmony with myself.
That is what I am missing and what I need.
The source is certainly within me.
So, this guy also told me about Isha Judd. And having read Kristin Neff’s article about self-compassion it connects right to it.
This one is Isha on guilt. SO GOOD – such an inspiration.
There is more on youtube, but this should be enough for now.
I feel good today. I still have doubts, but I just acknowledge it and I live.
Let go of resentment and focus on love in order to be free by self-realization and conciousness. Breathe it in.
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