Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

Life, love, sex and happiness

At tempting to altering my thoughts and changing my viewpoints is what this post is about.
Life. Life is difficult and life is a every-day and life-long challenge. But just because it is difficult does not mean I cannot make it through. I heard this country song today on the radio on my way home, saying things like if life is hell you gotta run as fast as you can to get out before the devil even noticed you were there. I really liked it. It’s true. Just because some times are harder or at least seem to be does not mean that the devil will get you and burn you in his fire. I might lose some hair on the way through, but if I face it I can make it on my own.
Love. Is so so important in life. I don’t understand how people could possibly think, that just by loving themselves, life could be complete. I mean, I understand that if I love myself, things might be easier, but everyone needs that feeling to be loved and cared for. At the same time the need to love someone and to care for someone else the same way one cares for their own is just such a fulfilling idea to me. I want to grow on my own and through my own love, but at the same time I want to share it with someone I trust and someone who trusts me. There is nothing else that could make life even more complete and wonderful. Yes, the big dream of true love still exists for me, and I am glad, I have not become all too indifferent about it.
Sex. Is so so important in life and with love. It is in fact something that helps one another to establish the trust I was talking about and it is rare to find someone you really feel bonded with sexually. Sex has become such a “devalued good” that it is really sad to think about why most people actually do it. Satisfaction is a good thing, but put in touch with love and reattach the value to it, it is even more than just having some fun. Most people forget that it seems, some get carried away easily and some just use it in order to cope with their stress. I am not saying this is necessarily bad, but do it with someone you love, and be conscious of what you are actually sharing. It’s fulfilling.
Happiness. Is the most important in life and a result of love. Seriously, love yourself and care for others and you can be truly happy. Be compassionate. About yourself and others. See the beauty in life, in yourself and in others.
Becoming aware of my abilities, my strengths and also my weaknesses is my task for this week.
I will try to trace them down in order to work on them.

Just this weekend I have again seen some of my behaviors and did not really know where they came from.
I am seeing this guy and he is just so interesting to me. He reminds me a lot of D. and I am scared that this will be the reason why it eventually won’t work out. I am scared because of these similarities in physical appearance and even certain character traits. I might trust him too much because of how he reminds me of D.. There is not a day on which I don’t think about D. Not one minute passes and it still hurts so much to remember him. So, I don’t really know why I am seeing this other guy when he brings back memories. But it feels good to be held. I think I simply miss all these physical connections to someone. Having sex just felt amazing. I still have these control issues, but it feels good to be appreciated. And it is sad at the same time because it is not really me who is being appreciated but my body and the satisfaction it can create. I mean that is a wonderful thing, but I guess it will end in this cycle again. I trust someone. I get hurt. Left alone. Feeling worthless. I don’t know why I always bring myself in those situations. And it is strange, I have these pictures popping up in my head. I cannot identify the person. All I know it is a guy, and i am very little, and something is going on. I don’t know where these images come from, but they scare me. I am afraid they might keep the key for a lot of my suffering.
Yet, I just want to be happy. I really want to let go of all what has been, and want to have my life back under control. I am close to running away. Very close. And I am just so lost in this mess my life is like right now. Even this post displays all the clutter that I cannot get under control. When in doubt, throw it out. I wished it was that easy.

The newest start

Although I shouldn’t call it that I know I need to change my life.
I purged the hell out of me yesterday, felt awful all night and this morning.
Even though I was not hungry this morning, I had a muffin and Soy Chai from Starbucks, just because I know that structured eating is supposed to help me.
I feel bloated and fat, I feel like last night I gained about 5 Ibs and yet this voice inside of me is telling me to starve. I resisted and had a muffin. But this voice now calls me fat and ugly and weak and I start slipping in this hole.

I am not okay today and I just wished the day was over already. I am scared and alone. The only people I really hang out with are both gone home for a month or two now, so I am seriously left alone. There is no distraction. But there will also not be social eating events now. Which might be a good thing, but I guess it will be more appreciated by my starve-control team. It’s ridiculous.
Also, Sarah has never called about group meeting, so I assume there will be none next week or not even in the entire semester. I am again left to deal with myself alone. And I get the idea, I understand how I have to do this for myself and only for myself, but I cannot face so much pain alone. Seriously, who can?
I’m not just trapped in my eating disorder, but also have I experienced so much disappointment, for example in losing my friend, in being betrayed by the same “friend”, in losing my boyfriend, whom I wasn’t even aware of being in a relationship with, being betrayed in so many other ways actually including myself, failing, falling down, failing again. And I am scared. I wished I could lose this fear, but I don’t know how and time does not help. It’s gotten worse ever since recovery started.
I am so scared.
Why can’t somebody just hold me and tell me that I will be fine?

Fighting B/P urges and the rest of the world

Difficulties. It’s a time of difficulties again. I’m close to relapse… if I can actually call it that…
I think I need to conduct a review of my current ED situation. So, here is where I was – let’s say – 2 months ago:

Alternation between totally B/P free and B/P heavy weeks.

The heavy weeks were characterized by B/P or P alone up to 5 times a day.
In addition I would purge by running.

The B/P free weeks were characterized by starving during the day and total control at night.
In addition to the morning run I would also walk extra far and swim in the evening.

I lost 15Ibs in a month and a half.
I felt awful.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I felt worthless.
I put myself down.
I lied to others.
I would not be me.
I spend hours at one task.
I felt alone.
I felt hopeless.
I felt hurt and bruised.
I lost Daniel.
I lost a friend.

And now?!
I have an eating disorder that is not only bulimic, but also anorexic.
I have body image distortion.
I have depression.
I have anxiety.
I have bad mood swings.
I am scared of food.
I want to be thin.
I want to live.
I want to be me.
I sometimes have hope.
I sometimes feel good.
I sometimes think I can make it.
But
I still starve.
I still overexercise.
I still worry too much about food, my body and weight.
I don’t know my weight. It is driving me crazy, but I am strong and I don’t check my weight at the gym. Blind checks are done when I see Amanda. It’s driving me crazy. I feel fat. I feel every gramm I gain.
I still feel the need to be perfect.
I still want to please everyone else.
I still feel alone at times.
I still miss Daniel.

But I want to love myself.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be passionate.
I want to live my life.
I want people to acknowledge me for who I am.
And I want it now…

I need to learn to be patient.
I need to learn to be alone.
I need to learn that failure is ok.
I need to learn that noone is perfect.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to eat.
I need to acknowledge myself.
I need to be conscious of my life and the world.
I need to find inner peace.
I need to focus.
I need to recover.
And I need to understand that I have to do this for myself and only for myself.

So, I guess, what this shows me, is that I am still in the midst of my ED. The ED is the driving force of my life and I need to slowly detach her. I need to slowly find my own way and I need to finally live again. I miss my life. I remember I had a life at some point when I was younger, when I would not B/P. I miss it.
Should I go somewhere else?
Should I teach in some remote village somewhere on this planet voluntarily?
I feel like and I always felt like I am here on this planet to help others who are off worse. Why is it so hard to help? What do I have to do? I should go to South America. I want to help others. How? I have so much love to give.

Or would I run away from myself again?

Urge to binge and purge

I haven’t had the urge to binge in almost a week, but I feel those stupid urges to purge all the time I eat – it does not matter what.ave
I am seeing my pschologist tomorrow morning, so I will try to be strong, but it is so puzzling why I have these urges, because I HAVE BEEN EATING. And yes, I have been eating right, carbs, fiber, protein etc…

Anyway, I think I also want to address another issue:

Alcohol… I realized that in order to escape my purges or even the binging, I would turn to alcohol, because if I drink I don’t drive to the grocery store anymore, and since I am keeping my fridge empty most of the time, it helps me not to binge and purge… I know this could turn into another form of addiciton and I also mentioned it to my psychiatrist, but being aware of the risks, I still do it….
Tonight, whatesover, I have been drinking too much so I would not go home so early. I was out with a couple of friends for an after-work-hour and I drank way too much, which in return made me eat french fries… I so want to purge on them….
it is hard not to.
It really is.

Also, I am scared that am just putting on my strong face at the moment… I think there is a lot of pain inside me that I am not letting out…
I always think about Daniel for example, but I just ”push him” away…. but Amanda said today, that she still thinks I am not letting out my emotions really… and I think she is right… I miss him so much. I miss everything about him and I wished I could just forget. But I cannot. I try to, I try so hard, but he is there… he is there when I fall asleep, he is there in my dreams and he is there when I wake up… during the day… he is there, too… and yes, just push him aside… telling me I am fine without him, but I am really not. I really need to learn, to forget about people I feel close to. It is so hard. I don’t think highly about many people, I don’t get embraced and occupied by thoughts about them. But he is all I seem to be able of thinking about.. this is also making me angry, because it reminds me on the losses Bulimia has caused me.

Survey – you are not alone!!

This is a quick poll to see how today was like for us bulimics and to show others that we are not alone. There are A LOT of us and we all need help.

Help can only be helpful if people understand!