Life, love, sex and happiness

At tempting to altering my thoughts and changing my viewpoints is what this post is about.
Life. Life is difficult and life is a every-day and life-long challenge. But just because it is difficult does not mean I cannot make it through. I heard this country song today on the radio on my way home, saying things like if life is hell you gotta run as fast as you can to get out before the devil even noticed you were there. I really liked it. It’s true. Just because some times are harder or at least seem to be does not mean that the devil will get you and burn you in his fire. I might lose some hair on the way through, but if I face it I can make it on my own.
Love. Is so so important in life. I don’t understand how people could possibly think, that just by loving themselves, life could be complete. I mean, I understand that if I love myself, things might be easier, but everyone needs that feeling to be loved and cared for. At the same time the need to love someone and to care for someone else the same way one cares for their own is just such a fulfilling idea to me. I want to grow on my own and through my own love, but at the same time I want to share it with someone I trust and someone who trusts me. There is nothing else that could make life even more complete and wonderful. Yes, the big dream of true love still exists for me, and I am glad, I have not become all too indifferent about it.
Sex. Is so so important in life and with love. It is in fact something that helps one another to establish the trust I was talking about and it is rare to find someone you really feel bonded with sexually. Sex has become such a “devalued good” that it is really sad to think about why most people actually do it. Satisfaction is a good thing, but put in touch with love and reattach the value to it, it is even more than just having some fun. Most people forget that it seems, some get carried away easily and some just use it in order to cope with their stress. I am not saying this is necessarily bad, but do it with someone you love, and be conscious of what you are actually sharing. It’s fulfilling.
Happiness. Is the most important in life and a result of love. Seriously, love yourself and care for others and you can be truly happy. Be compassionate. About yourself and others. See the beauty in life, in yourself and in others.
Becoming aware of my abilities, my strengths and also my weaknesses is my task for this week.
I will try to trace them down in order to work on them.

Just this weekend I have again seen some of my behaviors and did not really know where they came from.
I am seeing this guy and he is just so interesting to me. He reminds me a lot of D. and I am scared that this will be the reason why it eventually won’t work out. I am scared because of these similarities in physical appearance and even certain character traits. I might trust him too much because of how he reminds me of D.. There is not a day on which I don’t think about D. Not one minute passes and it still hurts so much to remember him. So, I don’t really know why I am seeing this other guy when he brings back memories. But it feels good to be held. I think I simply miss all these physical connections to someone. Having sex just felt amazing. I still have these control issues, but it feels good to be appreciated. And it is sad at the same time because it is not really me who is being appreciated but my body and the satisfaction it can create. I mean that is a wonderful thing, but I guess it will end in this cycle again. I trust someone. I get hurt. Left alone. Feeling worthless. I don’t know why I always bring myself in those situations. And it is strange, I have these pictures popping up in my head. I cannot identify the person. All I know it is a guy, and i am very little, and something is going on. I don’t know where these images come from, but they scare me. I am afraid they might keep the key for a lot of my suffering.
Yet, I just want to be happy. I really want to let go of all what has been, and want to have my life back under control. I am close to running away. Very close. And I am just so lost in this mess my life is like right now. Even this post displays all the clutter that I cannot get under control. When in doubt, throw it out. I wished it was that easy.

Future Angst

I feel like I am failing academically. I am not doing as good as I used to. I lost my passion and I seriously doubt that I can do it. In fact, I want to do something else. BUT most of all I want to stay here. I don’t want to have to leave. My life is so much better here and I am finally taking care of myself. Without the medical help I receive here I would be lost and I need to recover before I go somewhere else. The only thing I know, therefore, is that I need to stay. And to stay I need to keep my visa… and I got that only for what I am doing now. And it is such a dilemma, because it is not the right thing for me to do nor is it in any way fulfilling. I don’t even know who tot talk to about that.
Who would know what I can do?
It is so frustrating right now.
And without these worries, I think I would be doing so much better.
And I don’t want to give up, and I don’t want to think negative, but I have no clue how to handle this any longer? And I feel so stupid, because so many people don’t do what their heart desires, so I am one of them. But they seem to be much stronger, because they keep on doing what they have to do. But I stumble. I fall. Constantly. And the wounds don’t heal up, because there is no time for them before I fall again.
What a shame.
Why is everything just so so difficult?
Someone tell me.
Someone help.

Rosenstrasse

I watched this intense movie tonight. It is a German-Dutch production about the Jews during World War II. I don’t want to get into it, but there was this scene when Hannah meets the elderly lady Lena.
But the message is so true.

…
Lena: Ich hab’ uns was zu essen hingestellt. Oder machen Sie gerade eine Diaet?
All diese Jungen Frauen heute machen ja andauernd Abmagerungskuren. Das muss ja ungesund sein, glauben sie nicht? Wir waren ja auch sehr mager damals. Aber ganz gegen unseren Willen. Staendig Hunger. Hunger und Angst. Bitte setzen Sie sich doch. ( all these young women seem to always be dieting. That can’t really be healthy, don’t you think? We were very thin back then too. But against our choice. Always hungry. Hungry and scared.)
Hannah: Die Magersuechtigen Frauen heute haben auch Angst. (anorexic women today are scared, too)
Lena: Ach, ja? Das muessen Sie mir erklaeren. Ich habe Kaffee gemacht. Ist Ihnen das recht?
Hannah: Ja, sehr recht.
Lena: Und wovor haben sie Angst? (What are they scared of?)
Hannah: Ich?
Lena: Nein, sie sehen nicht so aus als seien Sie magersuechtig. (no, you don’t look anorexic)
Hannah: Achso, ich nein. Ich glaube… ich denke diese Maedchen haben Angst vorm Leben. (I believe… I think, these girls are scared of life)
…

We cannot chose when and where we are born. We simply can’t. The circumstances may be all oh-so-different. But I guess “ANGST VOR DEM LEBEN” (being scared of life) is what is the nightmare of so many people. Being always in pain. It is simply destructive for a human soul to fell pain all the time. Being scared is just one of the motifs for this uncontrollable pain, especially if you are scared of life. It is the worst for anyone under any circumstances anywhere in this world. And yet too many people are scared. And I am just one of those many fish in the crying river.
I wished I had the strength to fight it, I wished I could just simply close my eyes towards so many things, but I can’t and for me life is not only this mystery – it is driving me crazy to think about it. Why am I here and who am I? What is the world? I feel like a little kid asking these questions over and over again. How can people not ask about it? Why don’t most people try to figure it out? Why is there good and bad in the world and why do I have to feel this pain in such an extreme that it is tearing my soul and heart out at one and the same second?

I am just scared.
I just want to be happy.