Running from life…

I feel miserable. I am frustrated, sad, stupid and me being here does not seem right. I fell in a deep swallowing hole today. I had a bad meeting with my professor. I failed. I got a C- on my midterm. Seriously? I don’t understand it. I felt great all last week, I got so much done, I did not go to the gym at all, because i was sick and felt like I needed the time to study. So I did. I really studied. A lot. Not enough as it seems. It is ridiculous, because for the first test I did not study at all and got an A. Ridiculous. I have no idea how I will get a A in that class now. And he criticizes everything I do. I am not used to that usually everything I did was without putting effort in it and without being criticized and now I am receiving all this bad feedback and I really don’t know why… I know I am not on an A level right now, because I am sick. and I do not want to use that as an excuse, but me even accepting or saying that I am sick is a big deal and this recovery is not not not easy. And people who think so are wrong. It’s not like you take some pills, go see a therapist and dietitian once a week and that’s it. There is so much emotional, physical and certainly psychiatric stress that is exhausting me. But I have to deal with these in order to get over them.
For me it is just that EVERYTHING is crashing down on me at once.
This is no self-pity and I try to not let it get me. But it does. It gets me. Everytime a bit harder.
I have no clue how to get through life. I am just so scared. I am scared of life so much that I just want to flee from it.

Sabotage pur!

Da habe ich mich aber wieder brav selbst manipuliert und sabotiert. Hervorragend!
Dabei lief alles so gut und mir geht es emotional auch gar nciht so scheisse wie sonst.
Was der Ausloeser war, weiss ich nicht. Wenn ich es wuesste waere ich durchaus schlauer.
Ich habe gut gefruehstueckt und dann gearbeitet. Habe mir selbst ein wenig Panik gemacht, weil ich doch noch so einiges heute fertig bekommen muss, aber dann wollte ich bloss eine Mittagspause machen. Habe mir ein tolles Mittagessen gezaubert und dann hat es wieder ausgesetzt und ich habe reingehauen… das was ich eigentlich morgen mitnehmen wollte war ploetzlich in meinem Magen und dann sah ich die Kueche an und habe mir wieder Pancakes gemacht… und reingehauen… bis zum Platzen. Und den Rest kann man sich ja denken. Wieso? Weiss nicht. Die Arbeit muss ja trotzdem gemacht werden. Unzufriedenheit? Stress? EInsamkeit? Was hat es ausgeloest? Unsicherheit. Ich glaube das ist es. Ich habe grosse Probleme damit, dass das Leben so unsicher ist. Ich will einfach alles in Kontrolle haben. Schlimm genug.
Nun ja, jetzt habe ich 2 Stunden meines Tages und meines Lebens verloren.
Ich kann die Zeit nicht zurueck drehen…
Und ich muss endlich was an meiner Situation aendern. Dauerhaft.

Das Leben kann doch wunderbar sein, nicht?

Life, love, sex and happiness

At tempting to altering my thoughts and changing my viewpoints is what this post is about.
Life. Life is difficult and life is a every-day and life-long challenge. But just because it is difficult does not mean I cannot make it through. I heard this country song today on the radio on my way home, saying things like if life is hell you gotta run as fast as you can to get out before the devil even noticed you were there. I really liked it. It’s true. Just because some times are harder or at least seem to be does not mean that the devil will get you and burn you in his fire. I might lose some hair on the way through, but if I face it I can make it on my own.
Love. Is so so important in life. I don’t understand how people could possibly think, that just by loving themselves, life could be complete. I mean, I understand that if I love myself, things might be easier, but everyone needs that feeling to be loved and cared for. At the same time the need to love someone and to care for someone else the same way one cares for their own is just such a fulfilling idea to me. I want to grow on my own and through my own love, but at the same time I want to share it with someone I trust and someone who trusts me. There is nothing else that could make life even more complete and wonderful. Yes, the big dream of true love still exists for me, and I am glad, I have not become all too indifferent about it.
Sex. Is so so important in life and with love. It is in fact something that helps one another to establish the trust I was talking about and it is rare to find someone you really feel bonded with sexually. Sex has become such a “devalued good” that it is really sad to think about why most people actually do it. Satisfaction is a good thing, but put in touch with love and reattach the value to it, it is even more than just having some fun. Most people forget that it seems, some get carried away easily and some just use it in order to cope with their stress. I am not saying this is necessarily bad, but do it with someone you love, and be conscious of what you are actually sharing. It’s fulfilling.
Happiness. Is the most important in life and a result of love. Seriously, love yourself and care for others and you can be truly happy. Be compassionate. About yourself and others. See the beauty in life, in yourself and in others.
Becoming aware of my abilities, my strengths and also my weaknesses is my task for this week.
I will try to trace them down in order to work on them.

Just this weekend I have again seen some of my behaviors and did not really know where they came from.
I am seeing this guy and he is just so interesting to me. He reminds me a lot of D. and I am scared that this will be the reason why it eventually won’t work out. I am scared because of these similarities in physical appearance and even certain character traits. I might trust him too much because of how he reminds me of D.. There is not a day on which I don’t think about D. Not one minute passes and it still hurts so much to remember him. So, I don’t really know why I am seeing this other guy when he brings back memories. But it feels good to be held. I think I simply miss all these physical connections to someone. Having sex just felt amazing. I still have these control issues, but it feels good to be appreciated. And it is sad at the same time because it is not really me who is being appreciated but my body and the satisfaction it can create. I mean that is a wonderful thing, but I guess it will end in this cycle again. I trust someone. I get hurt. Left alone. Feeling worthless. I don’t know why I always bring myself in those situations. And it is strange, I have these pictures popping up in my head. I cannot identify the person. All I know it is a guy, and i am very little, and something is going on. I don’t know where these images come from, but they scare me. I am afraid they might keep the key for a lot of my suffering.
Yet, I just want to be happy. I really want to let go of all what has been, and want to have my life back under control. I am close to running away. Very close. And I am just so lost in this mess my life is like right now. Even this post displays all the clutter that I cannot get under control. When in doubt, throw it out. I wished it was that easy.

No more promises

I promised I would not binge tonight, right?
I promised I would not purge.
I did.
I broke my promises.
And I would call myself stupid and I would call myself a failure. I am full of self-disgust and guilt and pain. But I try just to accept it. It is hard. I disapprove with my own actions very much. But I am responsible for it. Only I am and only I can be. It might not be the right form of dealing with emotional stress, but I have not learned yet really how I can make it better. I know how, but I cannot utilize it yet correctly.
I will be able to someday. But tonight I had to fall back again.
It was just and exhausting day and no one there to lean on, to talk to, to cry. Although I cried in front of two people today, no one was there to give me a hug. And it hurts. Ye more I think about it ye more I feel alone and needless. But I try to just accept this state. I will be fine. Later than I hoped I would be, but eventually I will.
I am strong.
Right?

Future Angst

I feel like I am failing academically. I am not doing as good as I used to. I lost my passion and I seriously doubt that I can do it. In fact, I want to do something else. BUT most of all I want to stay here. I don’t want to have to leave. My life is so much better here and I am finally taking care of myself. Without the medical help I receive here I would be lost and I need to recover before I go somewhere else. The only thing I know, therefore, is that I need to stay. And to stay I need to keep my visa… and I got that only for what I am doing now. And it is such a dilemma, because it is not the right thing for me to do nor is it in any way fulfilling. I don’t even know who tot talk to about that.
Who would know what I can do?
It is so frustrating right now.
And without these worries, I think I would be doing so much better.
And I don’t want to give up, and I don’t want to think negative, but I have no clue how to handle this any longer? And I feel so stupid, because so many people don’t do what their heart desires, so I am one of them. But they seem to be much stronger, because they keep on doing what they have to do. But I stumble. I fall. Constantly. And the wounds don’t heal up, because there is no time for them before I fall again.
What a shame.
Why is everything just so so difficult?
Someone tell me.
Someone help.

a week

…tomorrow it has been a week without exercising and with eating a lot during the days… My friend and I will have a Spa Day today and tomorrow and then I will head back home… School and work start Wednesday, so I will be super busy…
I am kind of scared about what is going to happen…
I am scared about finding out Thursday how much I have gained also…
and I am scared about all the stress and the chances to run into Daniel. I miss him so much. I silently cried myself to sleep last night…
It’s ridiculous.

Heartbroken

“This is very painful”. Is what my psychologist said a lot today. I don’t know. I mean I know it is. My life is a pain in the butt. Has always been like that. Although I remember that when I was younger (I don’t exactly remember when that was) but I remember that I was thinking at some point in my life that I can be very grateful to be me. I must have been comparing myself to someone who was even more miserable than me.
Anyways, today we mainly talked about Daniel and the break-up, although I originally wanted to talk about something else. But maybe it was good it went this direction.
But it is making me feel miserable right now. I want to forget about him (although I don’t really want to, I better say I need to).
She asked me again what it was that I liked about him.
It’s not his physical appearance, well, this came along with it later and now I think he is the most attractive guy I have ever met in my life. Anyway, we did not talk much about attraction and also did not touch the issue of sexuality, which I was thinking about bringing up. For some reason though I didn’t. Maybe I still need to establish more trust to her. I am scared about how open I already am. I don’t want anybody to know me really. I feel ashamed about my life and my feelings.

Alright, so what is it that I liked about him. At first it was kind of difficult for me to put into words, what exactly it is, because who needs reasons to like someone? For me he is just very special. He was the one initiating everything that was there between us.
(This is what I wrote down in my diary that one day before I met him again to talk:

“This pain is so bad. My soul is crying rivers for I have lost you. I feel like a failure. I’m so hurt and it’s killing me… I wished I never met you and I wished I never let you in my life.
You were the one talking to me on the bus.
You asked me for my name, for my number.
You called me that same night.
You fascinated me by the way you are.
You let me glimpse into your life.
You kissed me that same, second night.
You blew my mind away.
You made love to me.
You called me again.
You wanted to spend time with me.
You let me room for myself.
You introduced me to your friends.
You came with me to meet my friends.
You made love to me again.
You helped me lose my fear.
You helped me let go.

And for all that I never even asked for.
I was happy I met you.

You said I was beautiful.
You said I was perfect.
You said you liked me.
You said you’ll wait for me in the summer.
You said you miss me.

You asked me to call.
You asked me to email.

You made me happy when you talked to me.
You made me happy with every little message.
You made me feel special.

So I told you about myself. My struggles with sexuality and my body.
You listened to my fears.
You would tell me about your life and I was fascinated even more.
You seemed to care.
I thought it was right to have trusted you.

You called me in the middle of the night.
You asked me to visit you in Sweden.
You called me beautiful again.
You called me perfect again.
You were drunk.
You had forgotten your words the next day.

I was disappointed.
I was hurt.
Was it all a lie?
I got scared.

From there it turned around.
I would pressure you.
But I would sabbotage you.
I was not myself anymore.

So then…

You would not call anymore.
You would not talk to me anymore.
You would answer in one-line-responses only.
You would be bothered.

I would bother.
I would not be me.

You would tell me what you thought I was thinking.
You would tell me what you thought I wanted.
You would tell me what you thought I needed.
You would not listen to what I said anymore.
You would not care anymore.
You would not share your life with me anymore.

I had lost you.
I hated myself for knowing I have challenged this to happen.
I felt stupid for my own acts.
I was disappointed in myself.
I was hurt.
And I still am.
And I miss you in my life, although I wished you never entered it in first place, for now all what’s left is pain and guilt.”

That’s pretty much the story of Daniel and me.
The main thing is though, which makes it so hard for me to accept, that he does not want me, that I felt this connection between the two of us. Just now, when I think about him I feel this closeness to him and that’s what’s tearing my heart. That’s what is breaking it. I wished I could turn back time.
I don’t want to control him,and I don’t need much attention. But I did control him in scaring him away and I hate myself for doing so.

Okay, I will stop here,because it is depressing me. Also, I think I need to say a few words on how this has an impact on my ED.
In my earlier posts you already see that I said that this pain – this break-up – has caused me to be pushed back into Bulimia’s arms. And Paula actually agreed on that. She said, that this is one of the situations I would turn to bulimia. And yet I know she is right. I know it and I still end up in front of the toilet. I know stress, and especially emotional stress is causing me to turn to food. It soothes my pain. Even though I know… only temporarily. And that’s painful, too, because it makes me feel even worse after purging. But I would be obese if I would not purge and if I was obese… Well, actually if I was, I would have never met Daniel, I would not be where I am right now. I probably would have eaten myself to death.
Oh, my life is a mess.

Paula asked me how I see myself if I run into Daniel again, or how I want to see myself. Of course, I want to show him how strong I really am, and that I can live without him, but this is just this face I put on.
This is the face I always use. I pretty much use it to repress my feelings.
Today I did something very unusual.
I told my friend during the lunch break how that I still miss him.
But she does not understand. She does not know all the other factors that play in here, like my ED that he knows about and all that stuff connected to sexuality. So, it was not very helpful to talk to her, but at least I did?!

I just don’t want to accept that it is over, because it is so painful already.
And he has never said that he didn’t want me. He just said it was not a good idea to try it and that I needed to focus on myself. Why can’t he say directly that I am not what he wants and needs? Why does he have to push the responsibility of all this on to me? i
I’m going to go crazy on this thought.
I miss him so much.

A day of a Bulimic

I am working actually but this stupid file transfer shows me it will take 38 minutes and since the program cannot be used while transferring files, I will simply write another blog entry.
I realized that my latest posts were sort of lacking the right depth as well as the right focus. Lately, I found it very difficult to concentrate and to even put my thoughts together in an effective way, maybe that is also why I cannot really concentrate.

Ok, now I would like to present you with what my days actually look like. I mean, I am living in a western society, namely the USA. People may think, heck it is just like everyone else’s day and that may be so, if there was not Bulimia my invisible and invincible half-of-my-lifetime partner.

A day with Bulimia. And it’s raining down on me from the moment I get up…

Kata Kabanova - Eduard Tomek

4:30am : my cat jumps up and down the bed, you can hear him hanging in the blinds, throwing down a glass that is still half full. I’m waking up, feeling horrible, remembering that just 5 hours before I was leaning head over in the toilet. My neck is stiff, my muscles in my arms and shoulder sore, especially my left arm. I feed the cat getting back to bed already thinking about everything that is ahead of me this very day. My thoughts are circling and again the question “Will I finally be able to end a day like everyone else? Not binging and purging?” I feel like I need at least an hour more rest but will not fall asleep before 5.30 if at all.

6:00 am: my alarm clock is singing “Guten Morgen, guten Morgen, guten Morgen Sonnenschein…” I turn it off. My body is weak from last night’s session. I feel horrible. But I know I have to get up. I need to get a lot of things done today to fit in this society. So I do. My cat is licking my hand, eventually starting to bite it, all happy that he can finally hunt my ankles and bite my legs.

6:20 am: I am off for my daily run. I pick up a friend on the way, listen to what she has to say, being annoyed by some of the superfluous content, while my mind remembers the way I looked in the mirror this morning. All fat and ugly. Exhausted. I keep running, it makes me feel alive. My heart rate is low, I am used to running to much, I need to run more in order to challenge myself and also to loose these extra 10 Ibs.

7:30 am: I am back at my Apartment. Feeling a little energized to star the day and to eat right and healthy. I feel confident that I can do it and that I will recover.

8:20 am: I am at the bus stop waiting for my bus to school. I am wearing a new T Shirt… in the bus someone tells me that I still had the tag on my shirt. I feel so embarrassed while I try to tell myself that this is nothing. It is ok. It can happen to everyone. But it is putting me down. I already feel ashamed about myself, about what I did again last night. I feel like if I look at someone that person can tell. But how would they know? It is a well-kept secret.

9:00 am: I am at Starbucks getting my morning Soy Chai. It is too sweet and I already feel bad about it. I am counting calories. I get lost in thoughts about my weight. I feel my fat wobbling when I walk. I wished I were somewhere or someone else.

Then I usually manage it to work a little bit, while I get distracted very easily.
I get hungry; eat grapes and a rice cake. Have a stomachache. Feel awful. Wished last night did not happen. Wished I were pretty. Wished I were successful. Wished I were not stupid. Wished I could keep my own personal promises and reach my own ideals. I am a failure.

I will eventually eat something like yoghurt and fruit or even a bagel for lunch and drink lots of tea, apple juice or coffee. Feeling awful about anything I consume.

3:00pm: I am getting tired and exhausted. I know I have to work more, so I do and I end till 4 or 5 pm. Time to go to the gym. 70 minutes running is not enough. I need to swim at least 30 minutes or longer or go to exercise after the swim. I need to. I want to be perfect. I need to fit in.

7:00pm : I am taking the bus home. I should have went back to the office working a little more to not be faced with being home alone. I cannot wind down. Not at home but not somewhere else. I have optimistic plans on my evening home alone. I want to cook a healthy and well- balanced meal, eat it while enjoying a good glass of wine or a beer. Watching a DVD or online TV. I would love to relax, but I am already stressed out about what all I have to accomplish the next day, in my life and in recovery. I am overwhelmed by the world I live in and I am overwhelmed with who I am. For all my thoughts circle around this very thought and I cannot figure it out.

If all goes well, I decide to go to bed early.
Sometimes I end up drinking.
If I end up drinking I am most likely to end up binging and purging, but even if I don’t drink I may end up in Bulimia’s arms, my last resort in moments of full self denial and rejection, lost hope and faith, being so lonely that the pain inside is screaming as loud as it can, not waking me up though, but making myself numb for the reality, so I am again torn into purging, trying to get rid of it that way. But I fail. And even though I know I will fail, I try again and again, harder and harder… It is a battle already lost, but I tell myself that lost battles can lead to new beginnings that can be even more powerful, substantial and puissant.

And so I fight the night. Again.