…and clear my head and start living.
Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.
But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.
1st: I will start saying no.
2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.
3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).
4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).
5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).
6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)
7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.
8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.
9th: I will go step by step.
10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.
I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.
Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:
There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.
I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.
Grace's Blog 