How my childhood was really like

Breaking one lie at a time. This was basically the bottom line after therapy today.
I told her that I was scared that if I would stop creating lies around the truths of my life and if I would not repress my painful thoughts and memories that I could collapse, fall and eventually break. I am sensing my true self and it is painful to see how cruel it has really been for me to grow up and how hard life has been. I have always repressed these thoughts by saying I can be thankful for being who I am, for only having to deal with this, but the truth cut so much deeper that I even made up lies. I lied at myself. And I hate lies. It is such a dilemma. It is as if the fact that I am a professional liar makes me see all the liars around me right away. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s like a cat that can smell a character’s trait and then decides to like or dislike someone. I can do the same for liars and I can also do that for people I am being judged by, which is why I can’t deal with so many people and have a hard time with relationships. I don’t want to be judged. I want to be acknowledged.
This roots in my childhood. While my brother has been verbally and physically abusive towards me, I started to see myself as that kind of failure he would labeled me with. He would not only put me down in any kind of situation, basically everything I did was controlled by him, was judged by him, was “stupid”. He embarrassed me and destroyed the smallest bit of self-esteem that would have ever come up in me. It is very difficult for me to find the right words about him on here. I love him, he is my brother, and although I still can see this behavior in him and catch him looking at me (sensing it again) in a way that tells me, that he must think I am stupid, but he is probably one of the reasons, I am struggling today.
He has always been the smart one, he has always been the one with many friends, the one who got along with pretty much everyone, the one who knew what he wanted, the one being successful, the one succeeding… the one who made me become smaller and smaller…
And yet I know it is not all his fault. It’s society, it’s the world we were put in. We both did not chose to be in that very place and time and environment.
So, what should I do? How can I get rid of the thoughts telling me I am stupid?
My therapist said I need to acknowledge them. I need to understand that they are there because that is how I grew up. At one point I may be able to replace these thoughts. Hopefully.
So that is the first lie for me to break…
Acknowledging for myself that my childhood was not all that good. It was in fact horrible and one big hurdle that I am still stumbling over was or is my older brother. I sometimes wonder what was worse the verbal or the physical abuse. Life for any child must be a nightmare. And I am not really sure what to make out of this remark. I wished though, that this had been my only obstacle. And I wished by just posting about it on here it would be undone.

Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

I fucking need to get on my feet and fight…

…and clear my head and start living.

Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.

But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.

1st: I will start saying no.

2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.

3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).

4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).

5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).

6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)

7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.

8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.

9th: I will go step by step.

10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.

I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.

Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:

There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.

I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.

Good day – good night…

I had a LONG day.
Group was good. We have new girl, who seems to be a deeper thinker – I like her. So, we tried to tackle some spiritual thoughts some ideas and concerns that are more of a problem, like a real problem. It came down to the question of loving and accepting your very own self and also why we always try to be perfect in everything and if it is really possible or even necessary or good to reach perfection. I just don’t understand why I always start glowing when I talk, I mean, all my blood shoots up in my head, I have to look downwards, while I speak, can’t look anyone in the eye and feel like what I say is nonsense and excuse myself for my bad English every time. I am getting so frustrated while speaking that I can’t even formulate my thoughts right.. and that is actually becoming a real problem. In my academic performance that is exactly the problem… I ALWAYS feel stupid and as if the things I say are dumb, senseless and weird. Just like me. How can I regain confidence? How can I be me again?
I don’t know what to do.
But I told myself today, that the day was good. I tried to convince myself that I am not that stupid, worthless and actually that running away would be wrong.
Ach, I just wished I was done with recovery, worrying, thinking, and could just live and be happy.

An End to You, Bulimia…

I’m seriously on my knees begging her to finally leave me.
My jaw hurts incredibly much, my teeth even more – I’m scared I’ll lose them sooner than later – my face is swollen, I have muscle ache all over my face, my lips are chapped, my right ring finger hurts from the scratches and cuts my upper teeth left behind, my fingernails on my right hand are all split and short, my shoulders are tense, I’m constipated, I feel bloated, have a headache, my temples pulsing… in danger and alone. Just so scared.
I binged and purged more than 6 hours last night. I cannot believe it. The mess I had to clean up this morning was overwhelming, and reminded me on my emotional hardship.
I looked at my phone – I remember how I tried to call Daniel after the first binge/purge. He did not answer the phone. I cried. I screamed into my pillow. I thought I could make it anyway. But I could not stop myself. I went on and on until I was so tired that I could barely throw up anymore. I ate my roommates food. I can’t believe what I have done. And I am so disappointed.
In group we were talking about how we need to rely on our support system, but I just had to realize under a lot of pain, that I don’t have such a system. I am alone. And now, that I have decided to speak, no one listens. It is so hard on me to realize that. All I needed last night was someone to talk to. But I did not have anyone. usually I would not even have dared to actually involve someone when I was about or in the midst of where I was last night. I never did because I was scared that if I would do that, I would not be supported. And this fear actually got approved.
I feel so stupid for having reached out for help for I know how selfish it was to call someone for help.
Last night was bad.
I felt like I was going to be dead. I ate so much at the first binge that I felt like my stomach would tear into pieces and I would kill myself from the inside. Seriously, I felt like I was eating myself to death. This was scary. I was scared. It was not funny at all.
When is she finally going to leave me?
Please.
Get lost.
Leave me alone.

No more promises

I promised I would not binge tonight, right?
I promised I would not purge.
I did.
I broke my promises.
And I would call myself stupid and I would call myself a failure. I am full of self-disgust and guilt and pain. But I try just to accept it. It is hard. I disapprove with my own actions very much. But I am responsible for it. Only I am and only I can be. It might not be the right form of dealing with emotional stress, but I have not learned yet really how I can make it better. I know how, but I cannot utilize it yet correctly.
I will be able to someday. But tonight I had to fall back again.
It was just and exhausting day and no one there to lean on, to talk to, to cry. Although I cried in front of two people today, no one was there to give me a hug. And it hurts. Ye more I think about it ye more I feel alone and needless. But I try to just accept this state. I will be fine. Later than I hoped I would be, but eventually I will.
I am strong.
Right?