I fucking need to get on my feet and fight…

…and clear my head and start living.

Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.

But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.

1st: I will start saying no.

2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.

3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).

4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).

5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).

6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)

7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.

8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.

9th: I will go step by step.

10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.

I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.

Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:

There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.

I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.

Hello, Me! #1

Hello world, this is Me!

At least I am on my way to separate from her (Bulimia) and I’m cutting her out to find my true self.
I gave you a chance to look inside of me in my posts on this blog. I did not leave out the negative days on which I was devastated, binged my pain away and purged my heart out, and yet I will finally try to focus more on my positive side. I can be sad if I want to, yes, but I want to prove myself and the world that there is more to me than this sensitive, emotional and breakable self that relies so much on self-pity, self-rejection, self-hate and self-destruction, that she (Bulimia) has created. She created this self in order to protect my true self, I am sure, but she has taken it to far. I don’t need to be protected from the real world. Not anymore. Yes, that is what the true Me was scared of: the world. Because Me didn’t know what part she is playing in it, Me doesn’t know why she is here, why she is who she is and what makes her real. But eventually I will figure this out.

I had a date yesterday. I don’t want this guy and I told him. However, we still went to see a movie. It was so awkward. Not because I had told him that I did not want to date him and not because I told him again how I miss my ex boyfriend but it was simply awkward inside of me. I was sitting next to him and my mind took off.
If I could have talked to myself it would have sounded like this:

Me: What am I doing here? I don’t want to be here.
Inner Voice: Where, here? You can get up and leave.
Me: I could, but I don’t even know where I should go. What I should do?
Inner Voice: You are lost.
Me: I am.
Inner voice: You could go home and eat, and feel good.
Me: No, that is not why I am feeling bad. I don’t know where I belong. Do I really want to be here? What am I doing? Where is this leading?
Inner voice: You just have to be perfect, finish your work and you will succeed.
Me: I am trying, but I feel like I will lose. I’ve always lost in my life. But all I want is to be happy.

… it went on and on. Then after the movie I started thinking again about if I consider myself happy in this society or in Germany. And it is so strange to think about this. I miss Germany, the country, Europe, the people, my friends, family, but I love America, too. And I never really have a perfect time while I am in Germany. It is so unreal, but when I am here I want to escape to Germany and when I am in Germany I long to be back in the States.
… only when I am in the mountains I feel whole. And it doesn’t matter where the mountains are. I just need to be surrounded by nature’s mightiest power. I feel safe. I need to go back tot he mountains. I need to escape.

It’s all about Heimat. I mean, in defintion my Heimat is Germany. The place where I was born and raised, but I have made so many painful and in a way traumatic experiences there, that I probably felt like escaping that world. Try to find my very own Heimat.
Home is where your heart is, I guess. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to figure it out.
Maybe that is why I am seeking to find true love so badly? Because if my heart would know where it belongs, it would not matter to me anymore where I was.
Only then, I feel and fear, I would know where I belong.

But, I wished, I was selfish enough as to say that I want to be happy for myself in first place. I want to be happy with the choices I make for myself, and I want to be free and independent in the things I do.
I saw that in Daniel. I admired him for the way he is, and I told him that. For me, I told him, he is perfect. Even though I realized now that perfection is nothing I should strive for. Or is it?
Well, not as long as it is hindering you to be who you are.
And my perfectionism is part of what she had created.
Yet I am a little confused by the term p e r f e c t i o n i s m … I mean, it sounds so positive, so light and so powerful, but all it has done to me is f a i l u r e.
How is that possible? It is messed up, just like my life.

I feel finding Me is not as easy.
I am afraid of Me.
I scared of the way to Me.

How shall I approach this? I wished there was a manual. Like a 10-step booklet or so. I would die to have it.

Urge to binge and purge

I haven’t had the urge to binge in almost a week, but I feel those stupid urges to purge all the time I eat – it does not matter what.ave
I am seeing my pschologist tomorrow morning, so I will try to be strong, but it is so puzzling why I have these urges, because I HAVE BEEN EATING. And yes, I have been eating right, carbs, fiber, protein etc…

Anyway, I think I also want to address another issue:

Alcohol… I realized that in order to escape my purges or even the binging, I would turn to alcohol, because if I drink I don’t drive to the grocery store anymore, and since I am keeping my fridge empty most of the time, it helps me not to binge and purge… I know this could turn into another form of addiciton and I also mentioned it to my psychiatrist, but being aware of the risks, I still do it….
Tonight, whatesover, I have been drinking too much so I would not go home so early. I was out with a couple of friends for an after-work-hour and I drank way too much, which in return made me eat french fries… I so want to purge on them….
it is hard not to.
It really is.

Also, I am scared that am just putting on my strong face at the moment… I think there is a lot of pain inside me that I am not letting out…
I always think about Daniel for example, but I just ”push him” away…. but Amanda said today, that she still thinks I am not letting out my emotions really… and I think she is right… I miss him so much. I miss everything about him and I wished I could just forget. But I cannot. I try to, I try so hard, but he is there… he is there when I fall asleep, he is there in my dreams and he is there when I wake up… during the day… he is there, too… and yes, just push him aside… telling me I am fine without him, but I am really not. I really need to learn, to forget about people I feel close to. It is so hard. I don’t think highly about many people, I don’t get embraced and occupied by thoughts about them. But he is all I seem to be able of thinking about.. this is also making me angry, because it reminds me on the losses Bulimia has caused me.