it is Identity?

I am not sure, but probably I do know what this is all about and yes, I have talked about this before in early early posts, but… yes, I feel like this stupid ED is just all about IDENTITY. It is sad, because in your youth and in your development you should find yourself… but maybe some people are having a hard time to do so in today’s society… I read a lot of philosophy lately and I love to think about philosophy a lot… I feel like today’s society is trying to forbid us to really be philosophical. I feel that way because I have the feeling that being philosophical is so difficult. It is not approving the approved way of thinking … and I feel like I need to continue in German…
Ich habe durchaus das Gefuehl, dass Philosophie zu problematisch ist. Wer will wirklich die Fragen der Menschheit beantworten? Niemand. Weil es niemand kann, und wenn, dann ist es ein Genie. Ein wahrer Genie. Die Welt und die Gesellschaft sind schlichtweg schlecht. Ohne die Gesellschaft – wie sie heute ist – wuerde es mir besser gehen (ohne Drogen – und ja, Anti-Depressiva sind Drogen. Sie sind so unheimlich stark. Sie wirken: deshalb sind sie stark). Also, es ist tasaechlich so, dass ich glaube, dass das Leben einen Sinn haben sollte… es tut so weh zu wissen, dass ich lebe und ich ueber all das bewusst bin, was ich tue, aber manchmal auch nicht, und ich will es aber sein, und ich will wissen wer ich bin, und es ist so schwer mich selber zu begreifen. Ich will nicht hier sein ohne Grund und ich will eine Aufgabe haben und ich will anderen Menschen helfen: sie positiv beeinflussen und das Leben an sich bereichern. Und gleichzeitig fuehle ich mich wie ein grosser Fehler im System. Ich will nicht, dass andere denken ich sei dumm… und es ist die Gesellschaft vor der ich mich fuerchte. Ich hasse die Gesellschaft. Ich mag meine Freunde moegen, aber ich weiss genau welcher Teil von ihnen der Gesellschaft folgt und das macht mich traurig.
die Gesellschaft ist schlecht.
Ich will hier aufhoeren, weil ich ein paar Bier getrunken habe, aber dennoch will ich sagen, dass ich das Leben liebe. Es ist schwer, es ist eine Herausforderung und es ist einmalig. Ich durchlebe so viele schwere Momene… dennoch tut es mir gut zu wissen, dass ich lebe.

Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

I fucking need to get on my feet and fight…

…and clear my head and start living.

Seriously, this is no condition to be in. It’s not healthy at all. Sunday and yesterday sucked. BAD time. I was on the phone for too long Sunday so that I could not study enough for my test yesterday. To make it worse, I forgot my notes in the morning and could not review before the test (which is a learning strategy I adopted for myself that really works wonders!!). So, I was unable to answer two questions which already had reduced my points down by 10% and I doubt that I got full points on ALL the other parts. I really doubt it. So, I get – if I am lucky – a B. BAD! I blame my own stupidity on that though. In addition I got a paper back, I thought I did really well on, but *wrong*. I have to rewrite it. So, I have not been able to do so today and I am not sure if I find the time for it tomorrow either. I am so overwhelmed with work, just because I do too much and obsess with it and the demand to be perfect in everything I do. I signed up for a workshop today so that took away about 2.5 hours of my day today and the movie tonight – which I had to watch, because I am teaching on it on Friday took away 2 hours also, so did a tutoring session. And of course the entire morning was therapy morning, so where should I take the time from? There is no time. I have not had a single minute only for myself in weeks. There is always something going on.

But, I will from tomorrow on change a lot of things.

1st: I will start saying no.

2nd: I will not do extra jobs or work unless I really have to.

3rd: I will not go to the gym anymore for at least a week (to see if I can handle it, my nutritionist faced me today with the fact that I am a slave of my exercise, even though I enjoy it, I hate the idea of letting it go, I am just too concerned to gain weight and in order to recover, I might even need to accept that I eventually do gain weight. I just so don’t want to be fat ever again in my life. I was miserable witch 30-60 more pounds and yes, I may be miserable now as well, but I don’t want to gain. I just don’t. I still feel too big, even though not fat anymore, and my nutritionist might be right when she points out to me over and over again that I had body image distortion… I cannot see it. It is so difficult).

4th: I will try not to run the calorie calculator in my head anymore (difficult, because it has become automatized… well, it’s run by my ED, but my ED is very very strong).

5th: I will allow myself ALL the food in the world at any time. And I will start telling myself that everytime I
have any kind of food (like today with the Very Berry Coffee Cake).

6th: I will reanimate my hard working habits in a healthy way (whatever that will mean)

7th: I will try to focus on myself and I will try to go inside of me. Deep inside of me I will find the answer to what I want.

8th: I will not call myself or my actions stupid anymore.

9th: I will go step by step.

10th: I will surrender to my life and the passion that awaits me.

I am not questioning life in general. I am questioning my life and what I am currently doing with it.
I feel like I know that I can achieve way more, that I may even be here for a reason. And even if it is just to make myself happy. I want to love myself. I want to care for myself and others. I want to love and be loved. Unconditionally and consciously. I want to believe in myself and my abilities – even in hard times. I will do whatever it takes to become that person again, that I miss so much.

Do you want to know what that person looks like?
She vanishing in my memory but I will try to describe her:

There is this girl. She is blonde and blue-eyed, short and athletic. She loves to go for a run every now and then and dreams of running a marathon when she is ready for it. She loves to swim in the ocean. Floating along the coastline, bounding with the waves always with an eye out in the sky above. Feeling the sun on her skin. Being content. She also loves to race down a snow-covered mountain from it’s very peak jumping of a helicopter. Being the first on an untouched and pure surface. Being confident. She loves to be around people, no matter if they are friends or strangers. She does not discriminate and does not compare. She values everyone’s opinions and understands with her heart and reason. She looks into another persons face and recognizes the uniqueness spread by their brilliant eyes. She is trusting and believing in the good and positive, without being naive or vulnerable. She loves to think about philosophy and to talk about it even more. She loves liberalism. She loves nature. She loves the arts. Music is her passion – from Classic to Metal, it’s all invigorating. So is color, so is form, so is aesthetics.
She loves to think critically about the society and politics. She forms her opinion wisely and clearly.
She is the owner of her own thoughts. She is the doer of her own actions.
She is in charge and she loves it.
There is passion in her life. What she does she does because she wants to.
There is nothing she cannot do.
She is funny, she is serious, she is sweet, she is caring, she is assertive, she is direct, she is witty, she has a good heart. She is complete by knowing who she is – and there is so much more to her. She is special.

I know this sounds very idealistic, but without idealism we would not have dreams, would we?
I need to step out of my realistic, rational self, that self that is also polluted by my ED because it developed hand in hand with it. I need to find the way back to who I really am.
I am sure I will.

Rosenstrasse

I watched this intense movie tonight. It is a German-Dutch production about the Jews during World War II. I don’t want to get into it, but there was this scene when Hannah meets the elderly lady Lena.
But the message is so true.

…
Lena: Ich hab’ uns was zu essen hingestellt. Oder machen Sie gerade eine Diaet?
All diese Jungen Frauen heute machen ja andauernd Abmagerungskuren. Das muss ja ungesund sein, glauben sie nicht? Wir waren ja auch sehr mager damals. Aber ganz gegen unseren Willen. Staendig Hunger. Hunger und Angst. Bitte setzen Sie sich doch. ( all these young women seem to always be dieting. That can’t really be healthy, don’t you think? We were very thin back then too. But against our choice. Always hungry. Hungry and scared.)
Hannah: Die Magersuechtigen Frauen heute haben auch Angst. (anorexic women today are scared, too)
Lena: Ach, ja? Das muessen Sie mir erklaeren. Ich habe Kaffee gemacht. Ist Ihnen das recht?
Hannah: Ja, sehr recht.
Lena: Und wovor haben sie Angst? (What are they scared of?)
Hannah: Ich?
Lena: Nein, sie sehen nicht so aus als seien Sie magersuechtig. (no, you don’t look anorexic)
Hannah: Achso, ich nein. Ich glaube… ich denke diese Maedchen haben Angst vorm Leben. (I believe… I think, these girls are scared of life)
…

We cannot chose when and where we are born. We simply can’t. The circumstances may be all oh-so-different. But I guess “ANGST VOR DEM LEBEN” (being scared of life) is what is the nightmare of so many people. Being always in pain. It is simply destructive for a human soul to fell pain all the time. Being scared is just one of the motifs for this uncontrollable pain, especially if you are scared of life. It is the worst for anyone under any circumstances anywhere in this world. And yet too many people are scared. And I am just one of those many fish in the crying river.
I wished I had the strength to fight it, I wished I could just simply close my eyes towards so many things, but I can’t and for me life is not only this mystery – it is driving me crazy to think about it. Why am I here and who am I? What is the world? I feel like a little kid asking these questions over and over again. How can people not ask about it? Why don’t most people try to figure it out? Why is there good and bad in the world and why do I have to feel this pain in such an extreme that it is tearing my soul and heart out at one and the same second?

I am just scared.
I just want to be happy.

Feeling my emotions… not.

I guess, I figured something new out last night.
I had a pretty intense day. Work, suffering, self-controlling, loneliness, reflecting, thinking… and again realizing.
I watched two highly intense movies and sometimes I believe that I should write screenplays myself. I would fucking kick ass and get it right to the point. Or I should keep on writing novels, poetry and music for no other audience than my very own little self.

Anyway, I realized something extremely distressing and attritional last night…
I never really let my emotions out. I have them all locked up deep down inside me and I always try to repress them. No matter what it is. I mean, I cannot cry, I cannot laugh with all my heart, I cannot relax and enjoy myself (although I am trying hard sometimes), I cannot tell people when I dislike or like them, nor do I think have I ever told my parents I loved them. I believe it is because of all those mixed feelings I have in general. I feel a lot of things but only projected onto myself in comparison to other or especially to other situations. It is not easy to stay alive. When I was younger I thought a lot about running away or even suicide. I cut my arms, but for some reason (and actually I am glad I couldn’t) I could not cut deep enough. It is awful to be me. I am so full of shame and guilt and anger and yet I know that deep down inside of me there is something else. Someone else. I am so opposite on the inside than on the outside.
Probably if you would ask my friends, family or random people I crossed paths with in my life they would probably describe me as:

fun, outgoing, sweet, caring, stubborn, snobby, arrogant, sarcastic, “zum Pferde stehlen”, well-mannered, moral, perfectionistic, determined, independent, courageous.

But I am not. It’s just my “world-faceto say: Hello world,I am wonderful. I am fine. I fit in.”
I am full of anger, pain, self-hatred, self-pity, self-destruction, self-doubt and guilt. I am alone. And I am a lost romantic who thought she had found that special someone and failed.

I wished I could let my feelings out and embrace the world.
I feel like this journal turns out to be so pessimistic, but I try hard to be more optimistic in life. It is hard. I need someone who guides me through this. How can you let your emotions reveal if you are being rejected, disappointed and hurt? How can you really know what you are feeling if you are not willing to take the risk of accepting it?
But how can you accept feelings if they are being relentlessly perished.
I am so ashamed of my own feelings because they create so much misery within me.
Why do I fail, why do my emotions travel in the wrong lane all the time? Always ready to get hit or smashed or killed. I guess it’s me who went astray.

Maybe I need to confess to my feelings and let them out?
It is not easy because then I will be even more vulnerable, especially others and the world can bruise me then. Don’t I need to protect myself from that? Or is that harm maybe half as evil as the harm I am causing myself already, each and every day?

I know my thoughts may seem kind of off to you, but those who have had a struggle like that may be able to follow my thoughts. Life is tough. But we are in it and we have to deal with it. Life will never be easy. But I believe, that once you find someone who truly understands you and who you can truly trust, someone you can give all your heart to knowing it will be fine, I believe at that point I will be fine.