… and the sad thing may even be that I don’t want Ed to be gone. I always denied that Ed functions like a friend, but he does. While I used to talk about evil Bulimia, I have to revise my opinion… but who I mean with Ed is Ana and my excessive exercising. I miss losing weight, something that did not really happen when I was bulimic. I miss working out for hours and stepping on the scale the next morning feeling good about myself and going for another run… I really miss all the miserableness Ed brought me. Maybe I just don’t want myself to be happy? Maybe I need the pain?
But… therapy was no pain. I liked intensive treatment. I felt like I belonged there. I was part of it. I had a role, being the sick one. Even if only for myself. I enjoyed the role. I hated it when I had to tell people in my life, because I don’t like labeling, but had to label myself as bulimic, anorexic, excessive exerciser, cutter, suicidal… at treatment those labels were ok. But in real life… people don’t understand it. Or let’s say most people don’t and even though some could they don’t because they are avoiding thoughts that actually go farther than “what will I watch on TV tonight”…
So, for now, I know I need to keep on going with this different life.
I am happy. I am getting married, and I love this man incredibly much and I feel his love, but love does not keep you alive. Food does… and to get food you need a job… so there is the cycle. Love is tied to conditions that are under external forces. I can influence how I approach these, like what job I’ll take or where I buy my food and what but in the end it’s not in my hands, it’s the community. And unfortunately communities are lacking stability and you fear insecurity and loss.
However, I can control not to eat and to go for a run. I can control the external force namely the scale and it makes me feel so good that I feel sad to think about letting go of this.