Hello, Me! #1

Hello world, this is Me!

At least I am on my way to separate from her (Bulimia) and I’m cutting her out to find my true self.
I gave you a chance to look inside of me in my posts on this blog. I did not leave out the negative days on which I was devastated, binged my pain away and purged my heart out, and yet I will finally try to focus more on my positive side. I can be sad if I want to, yes, but I want to prove myself and the world that there is more to me than this sensitive, emotional and breakable self that relies so much on self-pity, self-rejection, self-hate and self-destruction, that she (Bulimia) has created. She created this self in order to protect my true self, I am sure, but she has taken it to far. I don’t need to be protected from the real world. Not anymore. Yes, that is what the true Me was scared of: the world. Because Me didn’t know what part she is playing in it, Me doesn’t know why she is here, why she is who she is and what makes her real. But eventually I will figure this out.

I had a date yesterday. I don’t want this guy and I told him. However, we still went to see a movie. It was so awkward. Not because I had told him that I did not want to date him and not because I told him again how I miss my ex boyfriend but it was simply awkward inside of me. I was sitting next to him and my mind took off.
If I could have talked to myself it would have sounded like this:

Me: What am I doing here? I don’t want to be here.
Inner Voice: Where, here? You can get up and leave.
Me: I could, but I don’t even know where I should go. What I should do?
Inner Voice: You are lost.
Me: I am.
Inner voice: You could go home and eat, and feel good.
Me: No, that is not why I am feeling bad. I don’t know where I belong. Do I really want to be here? What am I doing? Where is this leading?
Inner voice: You just have to be perfect, finish your work and you will succeed.
Me: I am trying, but I feel like I will lose. I’ve always lost in my life. But all I want is to be happy.

… it went on and on. Then after the movie I started thinking again about if I consider myself happy in this society or in Germany. And it is so strange to think about this. I miss Germany, the country, Europe, the people, my friends, family, but I love America, too. And I never really have a perfect time while I am in Germany. It is so unreal, but when I am here I want to escape to Germany and when I am in Germany I long to be back in the States.
… only when I am in the mountains I feel whole. And it doesn’t matter where the mountains are. I just need to be surrounded by nature’s mightiest power. I feel safe. I need to go back tot he mountains. I need to escape.

It’s all about Heimat. I mean, in defintion my Heimat is Germany. The place where I was born and raised, but I have made so many painful and in a way traumatic experiences there, that I probably felt like escaping that world. Try to find my very own Heimat.
Home is where your heart is, I guess. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to figure it out.
Maybe that is why I am seeking to find true love so badly? Because if my heart would know where it belongs, it would not matter to me anymore where I was.
Only then, I feel and fear, I would know where I belong.

But, I wished, I was selfish enough as to say that I want to be happy for myself in first place. I want to be happy with the choices I make for myself, and I want to be free and independent in the things I do.
I saw that in Daniel. I admired him for the way he is, and I told him that. For me, I told him, he is perfect. Even though I realized now that perfection is nothing I should strive for. Or is it?
Well, not as long as it is hindering you to be who you are.
And my perfectionism is part of what she had created.
Yet I am a little confused by the term p e r f e c t i o n i s m … I mean, it sounds so positive, so light and so powerful, but all it has done to me is f a i l u r e.
How is that possible? It is messed up, just like my life.

I feel finding Me is not as easy.
I am afraid of Me.
I scared of the way to Me.

How shall I approach this? I wished there was a manual. Like a 10-step booklet or so. I would die to have it.

Feeling my emotions… not.

I guess, I figured something new out last night.
I had a pretty intense day. Work, suffering, self-controlling, loneliness, reflecting, thinking… and again realizing.
I watched two highly intense movies and sometimes I believe that I should write screenplays myself. I would fucking kick ass and get it right to the point. Or I should keep on writing novels, poetry and music for no other audience than my very own little self.

Anyway, I realized something extremely distressing and attritional last night…
I never really let my emotions out. I have them all locked up deep down inside me and I always try to repress them. No matter what it is. I mean, I cannot cry, I cannot laugh with all my heart, I cannot relax and enjoy myself (although I am trying hard sometimes), I cannot tell people when I dislike or like them, nor do I think have I ever told my parents I loved them. I believe it is because of all those mixed feelings I have in general. I feel a lot of things but only projected onto myself in comparison to other or especially to other situations. It is not easy to stay alive. When I was younger I thought a lot about running away or even suicide. I cut my arms, but for some reason (and actually I am glad I couldn’t) I could not cut deep enough. It is awful to be me. I am so full of shame and guilt and anger and yet I know that deep down inside of me there is something else. Someone else. I am so opposite on the inside than on the outside.
Probably if you would ask my friends, family or random people I crossed paths with in my life they would probably describe me as:

fun, outgoing, sweet, caring, stubborn, snobby, arrogant, sarcastic, “zum Pferde stehlen”, well-mannered, moral, perfectionistic, determined, independent, courageous.

But I am not. It’s just my “world-faceto say: Hello world,I am wonderful. I am fine. I fit in.”
I am full of anger, pain, self-hatred, self-pity, self-destruction, self-doubt and guilt. I am alone. And I am a lost romantic who thought she had found that special someone and failed.

I wished I could let my feelings out and embrace the world.
I feel like this journal turns out to be so pessimistic, but I try hard to be more optimistic in life. It is hard. I need someone who guides me through this. How can you let your emotions reveal if you are being rejected, disappointed and hurt? How can you really know what you are feeling if you are not willing to take the risk of accepting it?
But how can you accept feelings if they are being relentlessly perished.
I am so ashamed of my own feelings because they create so much misery within me.
Why do I fail, why do my emotions travel in the wrong lane all the time? Always ready to get hit or smashed or killed. I guess it’s me who went astray.

Maybe I need to confess to my feelings and let them out?
It is not easy because then I will be even more vulnerable, especially others and the world can bruise me then. Don’t I need to protect myself from that? Or is that harm maybe half as evil as the harm I am causing myself already, each and every day?

I know my thoughts may seem kind of off to you, but those who have had a struggle like that may be able to follow my thoughts. Life is tough. But we are in it and we have to deal with it. Life will never be easy. But I believe, that once you find someone who truly understands you and who you can truly trust, someone you can give all your heart to knowing it will be fine, I believe at that point I will be fine.