I could start running

… away. I just got the offer to do so.
It would mean giving up my current life, quitting my PhD Program and go to the countryside. I could get married and work as a waitress. I could stay in the US, far away from what I used to call home.
One part of me wants to do that, wants to run now and fast, but the other part is scared it would be wrong. Wrong again. I’m torn. Between worlds and lifes, hopes and wishes, dream and reality. I am searching for the ultimatum. What is it? Where is it? Who am I? What shall I do? Where is home? Where shall I settle?

No more promises

I promised I would not binge tonight, right?
I promised I would not purge.
I did.
I broke my promises.
And I would call myself stupid and I would call myself a failure. I am full of self-disgust and guilt and pain. But I try just to accept it. It is hard. I disapprove with my own actions very much. But I am responsible for it. Only I am and only I can be. It might not be the right form of dealing with emotional stress, but I have not learned yet really how I can make it better. I know how, but I cannot utilize it yet correctly.
I will be able to someday. But tonight I had to fall back again.
It was just and exhausting day and no one there to lean on, to talk to, to cry. Although I cried in front of two people today, no one was there to give me a hug. And it hurts. Ye more I think about it ye more I feel alone and needless. But I try to just accept this state. I will be fine. Later than I hoped I would be, but eventually I will.
I am strong.
Right?

Fighting B/P urges and the rest of the world

Difficulties. It’s a time of difficulties again. I’m close to relapse… if I can actually call it that…
I think I need to conduct a review of my current ED situation. So, here is where I was – let’s say – 2 months ago:

Alternation between totally B/P free and B/P heavy weeks.

The heavy weeks were characterized by B/P or P alone up to 5 times a day.
In addition I would purge by running.

The B/P free weeks were characterized by starving during the day and total control at night.
In addition to the morning run I would also walk extra far and swim in the evening.

I lost 15Ibs in a month and a half.
I felt awful.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I felt worthless.
I put myself down.
I lied to others.
I would not be me.
I spend hours at one task.
I felt alone.
I felt hopeless.
I felt hurt and bruised.
I lost Daniel.
I lost a friend.

And now?!
I have an eating disorder that is not only bulimic, but also anorexic.
I have body image distortion.
I have depression.
I have anxiety.
I have bad mood swings.
I am scared of food.
I want to be thin.
I want to live.
I want to be me.
I sometimes have hope.
I sometimes feel good.
I sometimes think I can make it.
But
I still starve.
I still overexercise.
I still worry too much about food, my body and weight.
I don’t know my weight. It is driving me crazy, but I am strong and I don’t check my weight at the gym. Blind checks are done when I see Amanda. It’s driving me crazy. I feel fat. I feel every gramm I gain.
I still feel the need to be perfect.
I still want to please everyone else.
I still feel alone at times.
I still miss Daniel.

But I want to love myself.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be passionate.
I want to live my life.
I want people to acknowledge me for who I am.
And I want it now…

I need to learn to be patient.
I need to learn to be alone.
I need to learn that failure is ok.
I need to learn that noone is perfect.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to eat.
I need to acknowledge myself.
I need to be conscious of my life and the world.
I need to find inner peace.
I need to focus.
I need to recover.
And I need to understand that I have to do this for myself and only for myself.

So, I guess, what this shows me, is that I am still in the midst of my ED. The ED is the driving force of my life and I need to slowly detach her. I need to slowly find my own way and I need to finally live again. I miss my life. I remember I had a life at some point when I was younger, when I would not B/P. I miss it.
Should I go somewhere else?
Should I teach in some remote village somewhere on this planet voluntarily?
I feel like and I always felt like I am here on this planet to help others who are off worse. Why is it so hard to help? What do I have to do? I should go to South America. I want to help others. How? I have so much love to give.

Or would I run away from myself again?

If I don’t post…

… it simply means, I am busy 🙂

I have a friend from Germany visiting this week.

Yes, I am excited and yes, I do need this kind of distraction, although I feel bad because I have not been able to finish up my work properly…
Also, I am very anxious about gaining weight in that week, because I am sure we will go out for dinner A LOT. I am seriously scared I will start the new semester as a big fat ball… Yet I know I need to let go of worrying too much about food and weight and all that.

For some reason I even feel some hope rising inside of me telling me that I will be fine. Hopefully I will keep the weight I am at.
And since I will not be able to b/p this might even be a real break through for me to loosen the addiction, that it also has become.

Thanks to all of you who have been following my blog so frequently and thanks for all your positive input and comments. I really appreciate your comfort!!
I hope all of you are doing well!

DON’T EVER GIVE UP!!!

Stay strong and beat Bulimia!!

A beautiful life

Sitting outside in the warm sun, talking to a friend, drinking a coffee with soy milk, enjoying every minute.
I meet this Sociology professor, Daniel’s friend, and briefly talk to him. He welcomes me back and asks how I am doing, and for the first time in a while I feel truly appreciated. I accept him saying that and his genuine smile animates me. When I leave to go back to work he waves and smiles again confirming once more that it is really good to see me again. I am reminded of the pain my broken heart is causing me, but I accept it. I give in, grieving inside. I met him when times where good, but I realize through him today that times eventually will be good again. People may or may not appreciate me being here, but most importantly I appreciate myself living. Even if it just today. There are always good days and there will always be bad days; moments of hope, of joy and of love will always take turns with the darkest times. But I want to believe, that I can only grow from moments of pain, sorrow and obscurity. I just have to start accepting them as an essential part of the whole.
I will be fine. I just need to remind myself that I am worthy.
I embrace this day. I am strong.

Tonight, I will not stay home all by myself, as I had planned in order to escape a social eating event. I will go to the BBQ. I will prepare a pasta salad, and chicken/veggie spears. I will not overeat. I will not binge. I will not purge. I have not been purging for five consecutive days and tomorrow I can say it have been six. I am proud of myself. I am fighting. I’m in the midst of the battle, and I will not fall down, because I am who I am and that person is as strong as a lance made of purified gold.

Strength within

Thanks for the most recent comments. I really appreciate your solidarity and support.

It is really, really hard for me to believe in myself, yet I know that this is what it’s all about. I have always cared and worried about other people, the only emotion I would let out on myself was guilt, self-hate , self-contempt, disrespect and all that…

I need to get away from that, but it is hard if you haven’t been able to while growing up.

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR YOUR WORDS. It really means a lot to me 🙂

IN FACT, some good news:

I came home kind of late, and di not right away make dinner, I took sometime to organize myself. Then I had a salad (ok, 2 plates, but I did not feel full) and (I admit) a beer. But then, I decided to clean up, to make everything look clean and neat and I set up my new wireless connection (not stealing my neighbor’s anymore 🙂 ).
Now, I feel really good and stronger.

I will kick it 🙂
Can’t wait for my morning run!!!

At the psychologist

I went to see Paula this morning and it was a good session… just extremely overwhelming.
And I took another step today: I talked to my “boss”. She was very understanding and I am glad she knows. She is great and I promised that my job will not suffer from this – in fact, work is the only thing I can still rely on and hold on to as well as pull myself out with from the real world around me.

At any rate. The session was basically about my family history or better my mom’s and grandparents family history.
Another issue we hit was me and my trust issues esp. with men which then connected to my past and my relation to my dad.
I guess my life has been stressful ever since I was born. Traumatic she called it. And I guess, I have just never talked to anyone about it really.

She talked to me about my self-confidence (which is at the moment not really existing) and we also leveled out, that I’m living in these two worlds.

There was so much, and I wished I could jsut write it all down, but I guess I need a while to let it sink in myself and maybe it organizes itself a bit and I will post on it later in more detail.
Gosh there is just so much.
I will need to reread my blog and make an analysis of the patterns I can find….

Also, I will go and weigh myself today. I’m very very scared, but I need to, because yesterday the not-knowing was one of the factors to push me to the b/p.

I wanna get better soon!

Maybe I need more than one session with Paula each week to speed it up. I will ask her about it.
Also, Amanda was saying something like she will not be able to see me any longer and I should find a nutritionist in the community. But I am just not sure…
I know when it’s about my health money should not matter, but if you don’t have that money it does matter and seeing Paula is not cheap already.

I need to find myself though.
I am so lost.