Getting better and better and better and feeling so high!

I feel wonderful!
I have no clue why. It must be the medication, but I don’t care, because I just don’t worry as much.
It’s probably the placebo effect, but I do not care at all. I will be fine. I really will and if I won’t I don’t care either. It cannot get worse from what it just was the last couple of months. Holy cow, if I look back, I feel sad in a way. I had such a horrible time. And why the hell do I care about a guy so much? A guy who is just lost himself? He cannot deal with people who suffer… I mean what is up with that? I learned to be there for people who are in need and I feel like it is a quality to do so and I am not necessarily talking about sacrificing yourself to the good of someone else but I am talking about genuine help that comes from the bottom of one’s heart. And everybody needs some kind of care. Those who think they don’t are truly lost souls in this cruel world. No one should be going through this place alone. I feel sorry for those who tried and yes, I perfectly qualify for that type myself, but realizing that it is a struggle that only results in pain makes me see how important solidarity is. Strong community with people you care about and that care about you is what counts in the end.

Anyway, enough “philosophical” ideas here.

I have not been exercising in a week which feels bad, but I will be fine.
I have eaten too much in a week which feels bad, but I will be fine.
I have drank too much in the evenings, but I will be fine.
I had a bad conversation with my advisor, but I will be fine.
Who cares?
etc etc etc
These were the two sides my therapist and I discussed today…
She said it must be really hard to have this internal back-and-forth going on.
It is, but it does help in a way not to obsess with the bad thoughts… but I understand her critique on how this can eventually backfire… and it does… but I have no clue how to deal with my disappointments, my discontentment, my unhappiness or even self renunciation in another way. I really don’t. I just feel like I have been dissatisfied enough. Enough at least, to waste more energy on it.
I was a bit confused after I left today and again I wished I could fully recall what we had discusses but it fades away too fast. It’s almost like I try not to further think about it. I could use my time with her way more efficient, but I am still very insecure and nervous and I had so many thoughts crossing my mind… especially when we got to the point where we talked about men in my life.
I think I even lied. I feel like I lie a lot to not sound miserable or to hide other things. Maybe I should mention those issues sometime?
I don’t know. I feel scared, that my constructed “heile Welt” as we would call it in Germany – which would translate to something like “ideal world” – is not as good as I made it to be. That once I start breaking the lies, my whole world will crash down on me. And then I am so unsure about how it will be like when I switch to Cedar Springs? Will I still see her? Or will I have to start over telling my story to another therapist?
I don’t know. Too many people know too much about me already and it feels like they may even know more about me than myself…

I guess I am scared.

Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.