Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

Another session

I was so anxious while waiting for my appointment. I could feel my heartbeat getting stronger and stronger and I heard this voice from inside of me getting louder and louder. I really wanted to tell her what I thought; that this was a waste in time and money, that I did not understand how it was supposed to work and that talking about how my life was going was just exhausting, not relieving or anything.
I did not really speak up though.
We started out with the usual “How has your last week been” question, while I tried to explain to her that I have difficulties expressing myself towards others. She did not understand. I mean, I am able to formulate it in my head, but I am too scared to speak my thoughts. I said that, but she did not understand. Because she asked me to say it as if I was saying to myself. How? The problem is that I can’t. She was there. It was not just me in the room. In fact my thoughts were about HER, well about the therapy and she is the one who would be called my therapist. Dah!
Thinking about it makes me angry. Is this not clear enough?
Why can’t people understand what I say?
Are my thoughts really that odd and dumb?
Anyway, I tried to explain to her in an example what I mean. There was this situation with one of my professors, whom I had written in my homework that I was confused and did not understand the exercise. I know I could have asked him during his office hours, but I did not, because of my anxiety, because I don’t like to bother people and I don’t want to appear stupid towards them. Especially him, whose humor is so off. He talks too fast and I never understand what he says. I know it is stupid, but that’s just how things are for me sometimes.
I later told her that I did not understand how this was supposed to help me and that everything just got worse, but she tried to interpret it in terms of my relationships. All she had to say is that I had problems with relationships. And now thinking about it, makes me angry. I don’t have a fucking problem with relationships. I have a problem with being or better said staying alive. It is all so difficult. Too difficult I am afraid. And yet I know that this is my depression speaking, or at least that’s what I should be acknowledging. But seriously? No.
I understand though why she thinks I could possibly have a problem with relationships. I mean every time I tell her about my week it is about problems in relationships. But why do I have a problem with it. I think most of the other people I deal with have fucking problems. And I don’t want them in my life because they cause me problems. Yeah, sounds like I was pushing all responsibilities on to others, and that may even be so, but why do I have to take on responsibilities all the fucking time? I think that sometimes, things that go wrong are not my fault. If they were I would chose differently. But I sometimes don’t have a choice.
And even if I had a problem with relationships. that problem must originate somewhere, and I am sure that this origin was not self-induced. I did not decide at some point in my life that I was going to make my life harder or horrible by malfunctioning in relationships. Or did I?
It’s frustrating me.
And the only one I should be able to trust – myself – I cannot trust because I disappoint myself the most. Just by getting up 5 minutes later then planned, by not following that meal plan Amanda gave me, by not being able to feel compassionate, by not being diligent or passionate at work, by falling over and over again.
I know I have to think in positive patterns, in ways I would eventually help myself to get out of this cycle, and by learning strength, but at some points it seems impossible.
But I guess I stick to the following quote and won’t give up.
Maybe that’s the only path to go along.
____________________________________

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking”
Friedrich Nietzsche

The newest start

Although I shouldn’t call it that I know I need to change my life.
I purged the hell out of me yesterday, felt awful all night and this morning.
Even though I was not hungry this morning, I had a muffin and Soy Chai from Starbucks, just because I know that structured eating is supposed to help me.
I feel bloated and fat, I feel like last night I gained about 5 Ibs and yet this voice inside of me is telling me to starve. I resisted and had a muffin. But this voice now calls me fat and ugly and weak and I start slipping in this hole.

I am not okay today and I just wished the day was over already. I am scared and alone. The only people I really hang out with are both gone home for a month or two now, so I am seriously left alone. There is no distraction. But there will also not be social eating events now. Which might be a good thing, but I guess it will be more appreciated by my starve-control team. It’s ridiculous.
Also, Sarah has never called about group meeting, so I assume there will be none next week or not even in the entire semester. I am again left to deal with myself alone. And I get the idea, I understand how I have to do this for myself and only for myself, but I cannot face so much pain alone. Seriously, who can?
I’m not just trapped in my eating disorder, but also have I experienced so much disappointment, for example in losing my friend, in being betrayed by the same “friend”, in losing my boyfriend, whom I wasn’t even aware of being in a relationship with, being betrayed in so many other ways actually including myself, failing, falling down, failing again. And I am scared. I wished I could lose this fear, but I don’t know how and time does not help. It’s gotten worse ever since recovery started.
I am so scared.
Why can’t somebody just hold me and tell me that I will be fine?

What I truly desire, lies within the secret of who I really am.

Who am I? This question is going through my head daily. Sometimes, I am able to push it aside. Sometimes I am just not. Today I think I should face it.
I cannot concentrate on my working tasks – I know I need to, and I will later, but I think maybe just in this very moment I need to focus on myself. Again.

So, I tried to think back on situations in my life in which I seem to have known myself and what I wanted.
Very difficult.
I remember that when I was 3 or 4 and competed in my first skiing races, I was devasted if I did not win a medal. I really was, although I just started skiing. But I lost and I thought I was actually a good skier. So, I envied those who won. They were all older and bigger than me, but all that mattered to me was: I lost. I can’t remember if my Dad at that time put pressure on me. I don’t think so. May have though. At any rate, when I was 13 I finally won first prize and I was proud, although my brother was putting me down in saying I was the oldest who competed, so it is not really a success. He was jealous a lot I suppose. I mean, he always pinched me or slapped me, and I always ran away from him, hiding in my “cave” or even in my closet. He must have had a lot of anger inside him when we were young and I don’t blame him at all. I sometimes wonder if he has come to terms with our parent’s divorce and the way Dad in a way rejected us. He had his own new family and we had to struggle daily.
Anyway, so I was born a perfectionist I believe, but I was never the best in anything.
Well, I was able to read when I was 4, but who cares? I mean once I entered Elementary school, I might have been ahead of some but I mean, they all picked it up fast. I was a good student. But I got very depressed if I was not as good as someone else. I always compared myself. I gave up quickly, too. I am not a fighter but I always wanted to be.

I always had such high expactations and at the same time high moral views and values. I also believed that I can accomplish anything I wanted, but for some reason I failed most of the time. I stumbled and fell. Every day.

When I was still in elementray school I believed in friendship. But I lost my best friends so easily to others who seemed to be so much better than me. I mean I was the one whose parents were divorced. I could never count on my dad. I had this big brother who would put me down and punch me if I did not do what he said. I could not do all the same things my friends did because I had to do hat my mom said, and we did not have the money for all the things other kids could have and do..
I have many friends today, but noone is like really close to me. Well, at least not in the sense that they REALLY know me. They know the person I presented to them: Funny, sarcastic, outgoing, direct, stubborn, sensitive, moral, sweet, courageous, smart, just living life. BUT, I am not. I don’t believe that is me. Maybe that is the only problem: I don’t believe in myself and if I walk through the streets alone, I am small, I want to disappear. At the same time if I walk through the streets with a friend, I know I am minor, too, although I wished I was ‘the better’ one. My friends would never think I would think that way… It’s just so ridiculous… over the time I have managed to master in my behaviors. I would be the one, bringing people together laying emphasis on the idea of LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, bound to teach tolerance, acceptance, individuality, while I myself felt like a failure constantly.

Another thing I always held on to for example was the idea of true love. I am kind of disenchanted with this belief today. Now that I have made painful experiences myself, but I always believed in the power of genuine love. It just never reached my ideal conception. And I am scared love as I believe in it does not exist or that I cannot receive it that way. And it is making me so angry, because I feel like there is so much love inside of me and I want to share it. But I feel like I have wasted it most of the time. I feel like I have made naive choices in the past. I regret so many steps I took to find that love. It has only been painful. Rejection, disappointment, abuse… all not contributing to my illusion of love. And all I want is feel it, I want to know how it is like to truly be loved and love that person back. Of course, I know my mom loves me and I love her, but I mean to find that special someone.
I cannot understand why I fail all the time.
Why do I scare people?
Why do I get scared myself?
Why does my heart tell me lies, why does it lead me into misery all the time?
All I want is to be happy.

I always thought just because I have not been deported from my country of origin, have not lived in diaspora, or was moved around in the early years of my life, that I knew who I am or better that I have to know who I am. I have never experienced anything traumatic myself, well, my parent’s divorce and the fact that I have been taken advantage of from several guys sexually, but if that already wrecks me where is my life going then anyway?
I know the world is a bad, cruel and unfair place, but I was fortunate enough to have the life I am in right now. I am not starving (I chose to or binge), I am not poor (but always spend my money right away), I have a job, a place to live, a car, a cat, friends, family… I should be happy.

But I guess the secret of who I am and what I really desire lies inside of me.

this very moment!

I am lost. I miss him so much and I wished I could turn back time.

I am eating. I have been starving all day and went to the gym for well I ran 5 K in 50 minutes… way too slow and I am disappointed.
I am so fat and I ate so much when I got home.
Had a soup (carrot-bean sprout soup) and bread… with cheese… and then I started drinking… almost a red wine bottle empty…

just got myself some carrot chips… was thinking about having them all.

If I wasn’t drunk I would go to HEB and buy food and eat and binge purge….

I drink so I don’t.. I could walk to CVS though….

but I want to stop my behavior…
I want to be normal.

But not fat.

… and not lonely…