Almost Binging… Almost Purging

I am right before a binge.
The paradox about it: I want to do it.
I want to binge. I don’t want to purge. But I want to forget everything around me.
My mind is circling around D..
I miss him. I want to call him. But I know he will reject me. I am hurt. I want to at least rely on myself, I believe this is why I want to binge and purge. It is so pathetic, but I know exactly why I want to binge and I also know that I triggered myself A LOT today (not eating enough until I got home, then bingeing on water, yes water (in form of soup, wine and mineral water), which now means I feel so full that I believe binging on what I usually don’t have (and NO, I do not crave it during the day!!! This is the weird thing about it, I am totally fine during the day, I am not intentionally restricting, I just don’t eat!!! Either because I do not have time to really make something ot because I am just not hungry. And I do eat when I am hungry. I think my binging is totally emotional. I don’t think I just need structured eating all day and would be fine, this is why I am scared of not going into treatment where I would stay over night…. but there is no place to bring my cat… that’s all, otherwise I would do it. And yes, my friend J. who I recently told about my ED said she will rip out my hair and kick my butt if I will not call her for having her pay for having someone take care of my cat – I cannot take her offer.) would be a good idea.

But let me get in touch with my emotions…

1. I am mad.
2. I am disappointed.
3. I am hurt.
4. I am stupid.

About 1) My friend B. did not stop by before leaving. I always stop by (ouor offices are on the same floor). it would be fine, if I had not recognized that behavior before. She never calls, when she goes out, nor does she ask for having a break anymore. And I always do… I feel like she is distancing. I am really sad about that. But I know exactly, for she is such a strong character that she would just say “I forgot”.

About 2) I was in my office all the fucking day and J., who I have been friends with for the first 2 semesters, would not even start a conversation with me, but send emails. Come on, I am right here, talk to me. And she did not reply when I said Bye when I left… Hello? What the fuck did I really do??

About 3) By D.. Same old story. I miss him so much, and I am just so hurt that he does not care about me at all. It was all such a big lie. I cannot believe it. I cannot! I read some Nietzsche recently and I think he might like him. Maybe he follows his belief of thinking that only alone one can be free??? Nonesense. I like Nietzsche, but sorry, he went crazy, too. I think, maybe those who really know, go crazy sooner or later, because they realize they know. But, I think, brilliant is who can take over control before this actually happens and then keep oneself from worse. Because, what it comes down to in the end is Life and what we make of it. So, if he really likes Nietzsche, I feel sorry for him. he should know better, he studied philosophy.

About 4) I just am. But I am starting to say I am not smart, because my therapist and nutritionist don’t like when I say I was stupid.

Ok, so now, 20 minutes passed and I feel the urge passing, but I still feel it is there.
I want to eat pancakes so badly, but at the same time I am staring to get tired. Maybe some oatmeal with lots of sugar and butter will do… and then I will just purge on that… So, no eggs… might be smart…. I wished I was normal.
I wished I did not have to have these thoughts.
I wished I could just sit here with my Wine-water-mix (Weinschorle) and enjoy being alive.
I love life. I love the fact, that I am here, but I just don’t like myself and I wished I could be someone else. Someone, who knows.

New theories about my very own Bulimia

So, I am all messed up today I guess. This day was one of the most stressful days in the last few weeks. When I went to see Amanda, I was not able to really think straight. And I am starting to build up these thoughts. I want to think that I am traumatized. I start believing that I am not aware of something from my past. I mean, that maybe something must have happened to me at some point in my life, that I have tried to forget or repress. But at the same time I think, that I just try to construct something in order to have something or eventually someone to blame. I mean, I remember that I always wished I was already 18 and able to leave home. I remember how I always wished I was adopted. But I am not. I remember all these stupid thoughts…. and also…
What, if this whole Bulimia was a Choice? My choice?
Wasn’t it me who decided one day to throw up? Wasn’t it the same me who then sticked to it?
What if I have just been stupid like that?
Ha, Amanda banned that word today. She said I was not allowed to use it anymore beyond the point I enter her office… And she also said something like Bulimics were smart or bright, well, I know differently, and maybe it is just that she has to say it, that it is a kind of therapeutic tool. I need to research that.
But I remember that when I was younger and read about Anorexia in youth mag’s, they said, that anorexics were determined, smart, with a strong will, perfectionists and all that. All because they reached the goal of losing weight. So I eventually interpreted bulimia as the opposite. And although I would not identify myself as sick, I would identify myself as bulimic and thus minor, and especially stupid, simply because I never lost weight, never achieved my goals and in addition I was not even consciously aware of what i was really doing to myself.
And if even a bulimic doesn’t get it… how will someone else.
I feel like I need to write a book about it, but at the same time I guess, I feel like no one will read it, for there are too many on it already. No one is interested in more stuff like that.

But, I have been writing…
I started an email to my mom. I am not sure if I will really send it, but there is still a chance I could hit the “send” button on accident when I am drunk. Since I still can’t let go of alcohol. Drank a bottle of wine tonight… purged it, too. Feel awful.

Life is not good at the moment.