CRY

and again, my Bulimia Help friend inspired me.
I was about to purge dinner (a beer, yep… my dinner) then I read this on my wall and instead of purging I cried:

“wow you’re incredibly insightful! that’s so great to read, it sounds like you’re truly on the path to getting better. it is very normal to feel unable to experience emotions – this is what the eating disorder is, it is what we turn to in our lives when our difficult emotions are too painful to face, so we numb ourselves with the self destruction that comes with bulimia. it becomes our coping mechanism, so of course when you enter recovery you are still carrying with you the tendancy and (temporary) inability to feel your emotions. the fact you can recognise this is so positive, it truly means you are on the path to recovery. i had a very challenging time the first six months or so of my recovery – it took me a long time to feel my emotions again, and when i did it was extremely uncomfortable as i had been numbing myself for ten years. but i worked through this for several more months, as will you, and over this time it got easier and easier. an eating disorder allows you to emerge such an insightful person – you learn so much about yourself, and indeed about the human race, because you truly understand suffering! so everything you’re feeling is very natural, and also temporary. keep on the path you’re on and you’ll most certainly emerge. it takes time of course, but try to enjoy this journey of self discovery – because that’s what it is!”

Thanks a million!!! You don’t even understand (well, probably you do) how much this means to me tonight. I just came back from seeing the guy I lost… I have so much pain inside me and so much anger towards Bulimia.

I am stronger than you, fucking Bulimia, I will be better off without you.
You will not control my life anymore and you will not cause me suffering again. Because of you I am crying my heart out tonight. But eventually a new heart will grow instead. A better heart. One without your stains and bonds. I hate you for you have controlled my life for 13 years.
Tonight is the night. You are done, Bulimia. Get the hell out of my life. Get lost. I hate you so much. You have taken away the most wonderful person in my life. I know that noone can replace his spot, but at least you will be gone with him. At least you will no longer rule my world.
BElieve me, Bulimia, you are done with your games. I know you enjoyed the manipulation. I know you enjoyed to play with me, but there is nothing you can do.

Game over.

Heartbroken

“This is very painful”. Is what my psychologist said a lot today. I don’t know. I mean I know it is. My life is a pain in the butt. Has always been like that. Although I remember that when I was younger (I don’t exactly remember when that was) but I remember that I was thinking at some point in my life that I can be very grateful to be me. I must have been comparing myself to someone who was even more miserable than me.
Anyways, today we mainly talked about Daniel and the break-up, although I originally wanted to talk about something else. But maybe it was good it went this direction.
But it is making me feel miserable right now. I want to forget about him (although I don’t really want to, I better say I need to).
She asked me again what it was that I liked about him.
It’s not his physical appearance, well, this came along with it later and now I think he is the most attractive guy I have ever met in my life. Anyway, we did not talk much about attraction and also did not touch the issue of sexuality, which I was thinking about bringing up. For some reason though I didn’t. Maybe I still need to establish more trust to her. I am scared about how open I already am. I don’t want anybody to know me really. I feel ashamed about my life and my feelings.

Alright, so what is it that I liked about him. At first it was kind of difficult for me to put into words, what exactly it is, because who needs reasons to like someone? For me he is just very special. He was the one initiating everything that was there between us.
(This is what I wrote down in my diary that one day before I met him again to talk:

“This pain is so bad. My soul is crying rivers for I have lost you. I feel like a failure. I’m so hurt and it’s killing me… I wished I never met you and I wished I never let you in my life.
You were the one talking to me on the bus.
You asked me for my name, for my number.
You called me that same night.
You fascinated me by the way you are.
You let me glimpse into your life.
You kissed me that same, second night.
You blew my mind away.
You made love to me.
You called me again.
You wanted to spend time with me.
You let me room for myself.
You introduced me to your friends.
You came with me to meet my friends.
You made love to me again.
You helped me lose my fear.
You helped me let go.

And for all that I never even asked for.
I was happy I met you.

You said I was beautiful.
You said I was perfect.
You said you liked me.
You said you’ll wait for me in the summer.
You said you miss me.

You asked me to call.
You asked me to email.

You made me happy when you talked to me.
You made me happy with every little message.
You made me feel special.

So I told you about myself. My struggles with sexuality and my body.
You listened to my fears.
You would tell me about your life and I was fascinated even more.
You seemed to care.
I thought it was right to have trusted you.

You called me in the middle of the night.
You asked me to visit you in Sweden.
You called me beautiful again.
You called me perfect again.
You were drunk.
You had forgotten your words the next day.

I was disappointed.
I was hurt.
Was it all a lie?
I got scared.

From there it turned around.
I would pressure you.
But I would sabbotage you.
I was not myself anymore.

So then…

You would not call anymore.
You would not talk to me anymore.
You would answer in one-line-responses only.
You would be bothered.

I would bother.
I would not be me.

You would tell me what you thought I was thinking.
You would tell me what you thought I wanted.
You would tell me what you thought I needed.
You would not listen to what I said anymore.
You would not care anymore.
You would not share your life with me anymore.

I had lost you.
I hated myself for knowing I have challenged this to happen.
I felt stupid for my own acts.
I was disappointed in myself.
I was hurt.
And I still am.
And I miss you in my life, although I wished you never entered it in first place, for now all what’s left is pain and guilt.”

That’s pretty much the story of Daniel and me.
The main thing is though, which makes it so hard for me to accept, that he does not want me, that I felt this connection between the two of us. Just now, when I think about him I feel this closeness to him and that’s what’s tearing my heart. That’s what is breaking it. I wished I could turn back time.
I don’t want to control him,and I don’t need much attention. But I did control him in scaring him away and I hate myself for doing so.

Okay, I will stop here,because it is depressing me. Also, I think I need to say a few words on how this has an impact on my ED.
In my earlier posts you already see that I said that this pain – this break-up – has caused me to be pushed back into Bulimia’s arms. And Paula actually agreed on that. She said, that this is one of the situations I would turn to bulimia. And yet I know she is right. I know it and I still end up in front of the toilet. I know stress, and especially emotional stress is causing me to turn to food. It soothes my pain. Even though I know… only temporarily. And that’s painful, too, because it makes me feel even worse after purging. But I would be obese if I would not purge and if I was obese… Well, actually if I was, I would have never met Daniel, I would not be where I am right now. I probably would have eaten myself to death.
Oh, my life is a mess.

Paula asked me how I see myself if I run into Daniel again, or how I want to see myself. Of course, I want to show him how strong I really am, and that I can live without him, but this is just this face I put on.
This is the face I always use. I pretty much use it to repress my feelings.
Today I did something very unusual.
I told my friend during the lunch break how that I still miss him.
But she does not understand. She does not know all the other factors that play in here, like my ED that he knows about and all that stuff connected to sexuality. So, it was not very helpful to talk to her, but at least I did?!

I just don’t want to accept that it is over, because it is so painful already.
And he has never said that he didn’t want me. He just said it was not a good idea to try it and that I needed to focus on myself. Why can’t he say directly that I am not what he wants and needs? Why does he have to push the responsibility of all this on to me? i
I’m going to go crazy on this thought.
I miss him so much.

Missing piece

I am in pain right now. I have been repressing this feeling a lot lately. I feel like I cannot deal with it anymore. It is not right. But I cannot help it. This pain I have only felt once before in my life. It’s that kind of pain of losing someone. Of losing someone your heart truly desires. Someone you feel like you cannot live without. It’s that kind of pain that you feel, when you are left. Left behind. Left alone. It’s aching. I want it to go away, but I can do whatever I want it just keeps coming back. It’s haunting me. But I try to run, I run fast… I learned to run away early. It’s a skill.
And I have done so good in the past not to let that happen to me again. But here we are. I can’t believe what I have done. I let someone get close to me and lost him. How can I learn to live with that? Please, tell me. I’m at my office and I’m crying. This is ridiculous. I am sitting here, crying, typing… should work. I was able to work at least for about 5 hours, but now it’s smashing into me, I’m breaking. And knowing this building he is around, too, a lot, does not really help it. I keep telling myself that all that matters is that he is happy, and that then I can be happy, too, but it is so difficult for me. I feel ridiculous for having these thoughts after knowing him just for such a short time. But that makes it even worse for me. I usually don’t have any feelings toward someone I barely know, and I usually don’t let anybody come close. But I let him. I did and scared him away with my bulimic self. (I separate my bulimic self drastically from who I really am, because without Bulimia I would not have done and would not be doing certain things in my life.) I believe he is the only one who really knows about me. I am not saying he knows who I am, because I don’t even know that, but he knows about my struggle. I wanted to find out everything about him, I wanted to listen, I wanted to simply be there for him whenever he needed someone. But this is not going to happen anymore. Thanks Bulimia, you are great! Mighty. Evil. I hate you. I hate how you have become a part of me. And I try so hard to leave you behind, I struggle so much to cut you out, but you are there. I am scared you have been for too long. Go find someone else to play with, you caused me enough pain and I know you still will, but I am very mad right now, because of you I lost every little missing piece that would make me whole again.

Men hinder recovery, do they?!

Ok, I think the date post needs some more explanation.
In fact I figured out why I had been binging and purging again last week after doing so well for a few days.
Those few days I only did well, because of the guy I lost. I wanted (and still want) him back. As I said, I miss everything about him and it hurts so much to have lost him. Not the fact that he does not like me the way I was hoping and actually thinking he did, but more about the fact how I have again been successful in manipulating situations so that I will not get hurt by others but by my own actions. I wished I could have seen that before I scared him away.
At any rate, after we talked the last time (he was sitting right over there in that chair… looking awfully good…) I start thinking, that I cannot get him back. My hope is in vain and also I got very frustrated about me thinking he just wanted to get some ideas on how girls are affected if the father leaves the family (for this is one of the reasons why I started b/p, well one cause, no reason, the reason lays deeper). Anyway, so I don’t know if I should fight for him. I think it would scare him again. And I think that I should forget about him. Which is so so so so hard. I don’t want to.
I miss the fact of knowing that he is there. That he is there for me (not physically but by knowing, that he cares).
So, after creating these strong thoughts about how I have lost him and that eventually I will not ever be able to get him back, I was so lost that I turned to Bulimia again last week. I have been so conscious about all these ridiculous b/p sessions that it is scary. I was aware of why I do it, that it is bad but still I could not control myself. That’s where the addiction of this disease sets in. Painful and destructive.
Then I actually started to push him aside ad to block out the feelings I have for him. I wished I could start crying right now, but I can’t. I am scared I could never stop and break down again.
So once I pushed him aside I would work more, and would be more affective for stress. So from there it went its way and that one night, I just could not handle my emotions. I did not want to think about how and why I lost him and Bulimia seemed so unreasonably reasonable for me in that moment. So i was back to it for a few days. And I regret. I regret being alive at times, for I am causing myself so much misery.
So, but after a down there is always an up, correct?
I guess. And I tried to distract myself from my very own world. I stopped purging now for 3 days. I feel good, although I feel like I am gaining lots of weight because of the structured eating.
But I don’t care as much at the moment.
I have something else to hold on to now and that is external.

Forgetting about Daniel.

But how? How do you do something painful like that without being torn into the cycle again? Exactly for now I guess finding another external factor to hold on to.
So I met with this guy, a friend’s friend I just recently got introduced to. A really nice and fun guy, but yesterday during the “date” (he insisted on paying for everything, and brought flowers (beautiful sunflowers), when he picked me up so I guess it was a date, although I just thought he wanted to hang out and show me that Honky Tonk Bar in town, I guess I am very naive, but anyway…)… well, I have been thinking about Daniel. I have been comparing them to one another (I know, something you don’t do because it leads to nothing but reminding you on who you lost…). I did enjoy the evening big time. We went to this Bar, lots of Cowboys, lots of country music, lots of beer and I learned how to dance. Well, a little. This big old cowboy (seriously, probably 6’3” tall, big, cowboy hat, mustach, plaid shirt, tight jeans, boots!! A real Texan I would say) came up to me and pretty much showed me I can dance. It was great and even my date tried to teach me some steps and we slow-danced, fast-danced, laughed and had a good time.
So, this thought pops up in my head… I was thinking, well, I am enjoying myself around him, I did not really care much about my appearance, and I guess my attempts on acting somewhat self-confident worked ok. It worked that evening.
We later went to his friend’s bday party. Even though I did not care much about the people there, who smoked weed and seemed a little off in their worlds, I did enjoy that as well – of course not smoking that joint, and I was glad my date passed, too. Although, when I asked him if he usually does he said “Yes, every now and then” (a big big minus point, but it’s his life, just like I decide to b/p every now and then, but maybe that is exactly why I disliked that fact about him. Maybe because it shows weakness? Maybe it shows, that he also needs to work on himself? So, is that bad? No. But he may not be aware of that…. oh wow, here I go again, expecting too much at a time, analyzing and interpreting situations and human beings… I should stop that. It gets me nowhere right now). Ok, anyways, he played the guitar and sang along. I enjoyed that. I really really did. I had a great time. So back to my thought, which is (now I try to put it into words): why not date this guy, to get some distraction, to have some fun, to learn how it is like to enjoy myself and go from there?
Maybe I can forget Daniel this way?
Maybe if I just tell myself.
Maybe if I just try hard enough.
Maybe. Maybe not.

Did I have a date?

Well, I gess I did. I think.
But all I can think of is Daniel. I try so so so so hard to forget about him, but I can’t. I miss him so much and I wished I knew if he was ok. I know, he doesn’t want me, so I know I need to forget but I cannot.
I miss his eyes, his smile, his voice, the things he says, the way he is. It is so killing me.
And going out tonight, I thought was just “going out with a friend”.
But I don’t know why guys do that, but they always try to flirt and they don’t seem to realize when it’s not working.

I mean, I truly enjoyed the evening but I started it without wanting him in the end to try to kiss me. I don’t… didn’t, but I got scared. He is a good guy though, but still… am I just what people see on the outside?? I am so much more, at least I start to believe that….

and at least I did have a great evening, and no b/p session 🙂

Doubts and speculations…

Koupani - E. Tomek

Ok, now, I started the day again with my 6K run. It was a good run but I also had a lot of things going on in my head.
Like, should I tell my friend (who called me last night to verify the time to pick her up on my run). I told her on the phone that I watched a documentary on eating disorders. She asked rhetorically “But you don’t have one, do you?” I waited two or three seconds before I said “No.” She did not ask anything about it today. Although I was thinking, if she would maybe I would tell her. She asked if I wanted to come for breakfast, but I rejected.
In any case, I am eating breakfast just now although I am not really hungry. A banana and oatmeal can’t be a bad idea though. I wished I knew how much I weigh though.

I have a little trouble keep finiding myself today. I don’t know but there are these thoughts and doubts and speculations.
I had a dream last night. And I have no clue what to make out of it. I think it is because “he” had mentioned it a few times. Like he said or asked me if I ever considered having sex with a girl or basically being intimate with one. Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post I have thought about it, just like probably every woman has at one point in their life… but last night I had a real’ cool dream but it is kind of puzzling for me now that I remember it. I am not sure. I guess I like the idea of it but I think I would still need a man around, too. Really weird. I mean even in the last couple of weeks I have been looking at women sort of differently and sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch a woman or kiss her I guess.
In any way, I don’t think it could be mind blowing for me but maybe this is something I also need to find out on the journey to myself. In any way I would not know how.
I mean also in our society being gay as a guy seems quite acceptable but being lesbian or even bi as a woman is a taboo. I am not sure, and I do not want to be conform. But here, I am just talking about trying things out I guess anyway, I really like what men can give me – at least I did when I was with him.

Anyway, he was here yesterday but I am not sure anymore why. I thought he wanted to simply show me that he is there for me but I mean, really??
I hope that’s his intention, but it also felt like he was just trying to find answers on how to help his sisters. This might be wrong to say but I have these self-doubts. Why would someone want to be there for me and listen anyway? I’m sick. Maybe that’s why. But I don’t need pity.

I feel a little lost in my thoughts today and I hope I can win back this energy I had the last days.

I will go run errands now and when I come back I will work. Simply keeping myself busy. That should help.

Maybe I will start painting.

Teenagers and Eating Disorders

Ok… so now I watched this “documentary” I ordered on Netflix. It is not all so bad as the raitings were saying but only really appealing for teens. And I am 25 and new all that already so I can already say this: “GET HELP NOW” IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE EVER!!!!!

So, but what did this documentary tell me:

more and more young people have eating disorder….
We know that, right?? And I disagree it is not a a trend but more a finally revealed fact.

Those who have an ED are physically worn out.
Yes, they are.

And it is about an obsession with food… Well in the teenage years, maybe yes, but then?? No!! I mean, it starts with that but there is more to it and we will get there….
Also a lot of us struggling with an ED also exercise execessivley, right?! Right. But still it is not a factor that applies to all of us. We are all so different.

Anyway, there cannot be a “Change over night” they say.. Umm… well, I guess not, but we all wished and we also think we can help ourselves…. at least those of us who are into it for a long long time.

The big question for teens though seems to be: how to get help.

I can relate to that very well. I was NEVER skinny and always a little chubby and thus, thought I was not really sick or that no one would believe me anyway. This is very very dangerous and I wished now that I had reached out earlier. It would have saved me from losing so many years of my life…

So, it is all about identifying the problem????
That is part of it.
We all get impressions of how to look:
TV, magazines, society show us the standards to live up to (and NO, this does not only apply to girls). But in the end we cannot blame the media that we don’t have any self consciousness and that we are just because of that obsessed with weight, our look and the competiton with others. The obsession is not the cause and of course we ll know that the medai is big fake place with airbrush and photoshop… so there is no real reason to look like that….

But we all strive for perfection which we will never reach. This is the truth – sorry. Not only is it subjective but it is simply not a goal to strive for, because it would make life and the world so boring!!!!

But, I understand if you say that society makes you think that this or that is what everyone thinks.

So here is what I think is important:

Be comfortable with yourself (how and who you are!!!). If you are not yet, and if you are bulimic you are probably not, get help, because you need to find the DEEPER problems. We are all unhappy, imperfect, right?
We want to take control and try to find a way to do so…

“Be or not to be”

is for us:

“Eat or not eat”

anorexics: don’t
bulimics: throw up

However we forget about the side effects or push them aside, seriously believeing we are not sick just because we are not really losing weight or not skinny enough….

BUT THIS IS so hazardous for teens ut also for people like me who are already 25 or older and I threw away already half of my life…. I have been unable to conentrate, been tired and passed out more than once or twice…

We are mentally and physically sick.

We are hurt inside and it will start showing on the outside. Sooner or later.

Get help SOONER, please!!

For me one of the underlyin reasons was that I never received my dad’s love. So and here I agree in full ith the movie: I hurt myself to reinforce that I am not worthy.
I compared myself and I always wanted to be different… to fix pain. Such a weird and messed up life and mood and my behavior even got to be addictive.

I also never had any self esteem -as most of us….
All I felt was OUT OF CONTROL but the urge to be in control…
I thought I was very emotional, but I was only if it was concerning other people. I cared way too much about other than about myself, because I thought it was a perfect trait to be caring…. BUT: we have to think about oour own self first. If we are not anymore what help can we be??? NONE!!!!

I have to learn to accept my feelings. MINE.
and I need to learn to TALK!!!

I could never tell one of my old friends, but I opened up towards a person who I probably believed was able to take it ( wow, I realize this now, I think I am not telling certain people, because I believe, that they could not deal with it because they are not on my level of understanding…. ok, this probably only makes sense to me 😉 )

Any way, please, everyone GET HELP:

a friend
teacher
counselor
your parents

I know it is about trust and I myself had and have the biggest struggle with that…

but TALK TO SOMEONE!!!
Someone who will provide you with further help.
“You will see the world in a different persepctive and gain purpose back in life”

for me it has been a mind blowing experience so far and I am anxious and excited about what else I will learn.

I am finding myself and that it also what EDS are about.

It seriously may help you if you have someone else tell you that you are in danger. My ex “bf” did that. He is amazing.
I have a t
people just need to listen for hours to get weight off

PLUS therapist listening to me, but him listening means a lot to me. The world.

So, also keep in mind to learm about nutrition and other healthy life choices. so, no medications (it#s just addictive, exoensive and unhelpful! If there was medication that would work, there would be no me or you or at least the probelm and situation we are in would have already been solved and someone out there who would be a billionaire….
Learn how to diet correctly and drink enough water, get a balanced exercise to be happy with yourself and your appearance. Don’t rely on others or their approval.. I mean, why???

This was the equation he movie served me with:

H [health] + S [success] = [a&sY] accepting and supporting yourself!!!

BE YOURSELF!
Be happy with yourself

Start with getting help and try to figure out your vwry own personal problems.
It may take time but your attitude is all that matters

The body is THE part of us : physically, emotionally, intellectualy and all this works together to make us wonderful!!!

Good night everyone.